tryst

How does one go about trying to win what they may have already lost? I could show up and sing a Morrissey song outside his window, perhaps Angel, Down We Go Together. or My Love Life, but he has no window. I could call him and try to explain the way in which he has upset my entire world in the best possible way, but I wouldnt be able to speak, and he doesnt care much for the telephone. I could attempt to explain in a letter how the very sight of him shook me through and throughhow I replay in my mind with both agony and tremendous joy his hand gently touching my belly as I brushed past him through the door, but where would that get me? Im terrified. Mortified at the steps I took to inevitably carve my own tragedy. I cannot remember feeling this afraid, and yet I have taken on a new kind of calm. Closure has come to me in so many things that previously tormented me. I could not care less about Bryan or ever seeing him again right now. The nights of me lying in bed arguing with myself about my feelings for certain peopleso many people seem to be waning, for in this case, I feel no uncertainty about my own feelings, no confusion, no conflict. I just know. Clearly. I couldnt be surer of myself. And thisthis is why I am vulnerable and fidgety and disconnected from anything else. I couldnt make it through work today without writing the most unusual truths on receipt paper, without seeing his face in my line at least a dozen timeswithout wondering what sort of evil blinded me before, when the timing was right, when he seemed to feel this way. No, he couldnt have felt this way. No way. In my eyes, this is the ultimate tragedymy tragic flaw, shallow pride. I cant remember what I saw when I first looked at him. I cant remember why I felt insulted by his honest estimation of my inner beauty. Ive never received such innocent, remarkable praise before, by anyone, ever. I suppose I found him pretentious. He would not back down. I became revolted by his blind adoration of me, and then, I loved it. It became sacred to mesomeone who cared for me without judgement, without filth. It was never pretentious, it was beautiful. I was wrong. I was so wrong. He is incredible. Fucking incredible. In my heart, I sense the doom. I sense the too late. I sense the mistake that has probably sealed my fate. Im undeserving, but now unswerving in my affections. I find it cathartic to refuse to conceal. I cannot hide anything, I will not allow it. It is all I have in me now to be honest, and it is easy to be honest when you are this sure of yourself. I am changedI am severely changed. Forever. No matter what. For those that have mattered to me, you will always matter to me. Anyone who has made my heart beat faster at one point, however briefly, is special to me, but I cannot refrain from saying to anyone, everyone, that this is a person I covetand treasure in every way, for every remaining day, however far away. And I feel now that even if waiting proves a fruitless thing, I will wait for him. I will wait forever. I am not writing this for the sake of sounding poetic. I am not writing this to sort out any conflicting feelings, for I have none. I have NONE. I only wish that I could get him to say something to bring me down, but I cant kill this smile, this smile to end a war. I cant kill this smile, and still live. And that is all for now. Anyone who reads this, have the best possible day. Ill be wallowing in miserable beautiful bliss. Until. But then, probably still.

Oh -- I digress -- does anyone want to clean my apartment? I'll buy you a drink.