I was a bad girl last night. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Good? Good! I mean, no, bad!
Yes, it's true. Conjure up the baddest girl you can in your head. Well, that was me last night. And I loved every minute of it....
Moving right along to the bad stack of crapola that's been on my mind. I recently quit the band I've been in for...uh...20 months...and although I did it professionally (3 months in advance!!) and maintained a good attitude for all 3 of those months, apparently my ex bandmates have some kind of suppressed antipathy for me...they moved out of state the other day, and barely said two words (if that many) to me, as they were gathering the last of their things from my apartment. I thought everything was cool, but I didn't even get a goodbye. I was completely stunned...I have no idea what I did to make them loathe me, but I'm pretty much used to being fucked over. Seems like almost anyone I trust always proves to be anything but a friend. I thought we were all best friends, but now I feel used...exploited...like the only thing I was to them was a musician to help them complete the formation...to play some songs...a piece of the puzzle for my face on promo shots...someone to be the overnight driver of the van. I feel so lost. I've racked my brain to figure out what it is I've done, and I keep coming up empty. Let's see....I quit professionally...I encouraged and supported their future...praised their new drummer...toured for 3 months so that they wouldn't have to cancel any previously booked shows...sat and listened to them constantly talk about all sorts of band things that wouldn't involve me in the future. I quit to put more time/energy into my solo project, Et Cetera. They never encouraged me whatsoever in this thing...this thing that is my fucking DREAM...occasionally they'd snap "Why don't you ever show us your stuff?" I wanted to say "Well, it's because you've shown no interest in hearing it...you've given no words of encouragement...you make snide remarks about me giving up the drums (entirely untrue)...and you trash any music that has even a hint of heartfelt emotion in it...that's why." BUT...I'm fairly nonconfrontational...I just took it all in stride...didn't even need their support to continue cherishing them as friends. I only needed the bare minimum. Now, even that has been washed away...I don't know by what strange tide...but they loathe me...and at this point, I'll assert that the feeling is mutual. I'm tired of hurting for a causeless cause...for null reasoning...for nothing...for someone else's inflated ego. I'm just tired.
It's not that hard to say goodbye when the last memory you have of someone (sometwo rather) is the ugliest. My big red heart became a big red beast. I have nothing to apologize for...I've searched deep within myself for what I might have done or said to infuriate them...but...it's not in me. It's somewhere else. Whatever they are bitter about...well...that's not me. They've misread, misjudged, misinterpreted, MISSED THE MARK COMPLETELY...and that is not my fault...so long. Adios. Hasta. I loved you. You never really knew me at all. And so it goes...the story of my fricking life...
Which is why I love the "constants" all the more...those people that are always there for me...unconditionally. That feel the anger when I feel it...the sadness...the suffering...the joy...the lost-little-girl-in-a-big-mean-world....
Sorry to ramble...had to vent...let me gather myself here...
Gathered.
And now I'm gone.
Yes, it's true. Conjure up the baddest girl you can in your head. Well, that was me last night. And I loved every minute of it....
Moving right along to the bad stack of crapola that's been on my mind. I recently quit the band I've been in for...uh...20 months...and although I did it professionally (3 months in advance!!) and maintained a good attitude for all 3 of those months, apparently my ex bandmates have some kind of suppressed antipathy for me...they moved out of state the other day, and barely said two words (if that many) to me, as they were gathering the last of their things from my apartment. I thought everything was cool, but I didn't even get a goodbye. I was completely stunned...I have no idea what I did to make them loathe me, but I'm pretty much used to being fucked over. Seems like almost anyone I trust always proves to be anything but a friend. I thought we were all best friends, but now I feel used...exploited...like the only thing I was to them was a musician to help them complete the formation...to play some songs...a piece of the puzzle for my face on promo shots...someone to be the overnight driver of the van. I feel so lost. I've racked my brain to figure out what it is I've done, and I keep coming up empty. Let's see....I quit professionally...I encouraged and supported their future...praised their new drummer...toured for 3 months so that they wouldn't have to cancel any previously booked shows...sat and listened to them constantly talk about all sorts of band things that wouldn't involve me in the future. I quit to put more time/energy into my solo project, Et Cetera. They never encouraged me whatsoever in this thing...this thing that is my fucking DREAM...occasionally they'd snap "Why don't you ever show us your stuff?" I wanted to say "Well, it's because you've shown no interest in hearing it...you've given no words of encouragement...you make snide remarks about me giving up the drums (entirely untrue)...and you trash any music that has even a hint of heartfelt emotion in it...that's why." BUT...I'm fairly nonconfrontational...I just took it all in stride...didn't even need their support to continue cherishing them as friends. I only needed the bare minimum. Now, even that has been washed away...I don't know by what strange tide...but they loathe me...and at this point, I'll assert that the feeling is mutual. I'm tired of hurting for a causeless cause...for null reasoning...for nothing...for someone else's inflated ego. I'm just tired.
It's not that hard to say goodbye when the last memory you have of someone (sometwo rather) is the ugliest. My big red heart became a big red beast. I have nothing to apologize for...I've searched deep within myself for what I might have done or said to infuriate them...but...it's not in me. It's somewhere else. Whatever they are bitter about...well...that's not me. They've misread, misjudged, misinterpreted, MISSED THE MARK COMPLETELY...and that is not my fault...so long. Adios. Hasta. I loved you. You never really knew me at all. And so it goes...the story of my fricking life...
Which is why I love the "constants" all the more...those people that are always there for me...unconditionally. That feel the anger when I feel it...the sadness...the suffering...the joy...the lost-little-girl-in-a-big-mean-world....
Sorry to ramble...had to vent...let me gather myself here...
Gathered.
And now I'm gone.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
FUCK EM!!.....foward ever