tryptamine_____

goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch.

i talked to my friend in sweden last night. he says he didn't really say yes. then he proceeded to confuse the fuck out of me and basically tell me that he doesn't want to do it, without giving me any reason why. he said he was being the voice of reason but he DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY FUCKING REASON!

he said that i said i didn't think it would work. i don't remember saying that, no matter how much he insists i did. maybe he thinks that it will be like it was before, when we were roommates here and constantly at each other's throats over the littlest things. i don't think he realizes that i want this so badly, i will not LET that happen.

i don't think he realizes the new life that that hope gave me. and i think 'maybe he's playing mind games with me. is this his sick form of revenge, revenge for me not loving him like he wants me to?'

all of my friends are threatening to hurt him for me. they all know how much i want this. they know how much this means to me. as much as they don't want to see me go, they can see the disappointment in my eyes that he can't see....

it makes me want to cry just writing this.





i get to light my poi for the first time tonight. i'm excited about that.