truth

I finally did it. I've been working and waiting for the past 3 years and I finally bought, closed, and moved into my new (to me) house! I'll post pics when I find my USB cables.

Had a house before back when I was married, but my X got that in the divorce. She eventually lost it because she never made a single payment after I left. She never could support herself on her own, and has been dragging me down for a long time. After she lost our first home, I bought her a new car (still paying for), gave her 2 grand to move into a rental house, paid all of her rent the first 5 or 6 months she was there, pay her insurance, along with child support and whatever else she needs. Without knowing it, I even paid for her divorce lawyer. I couldn't afford one then and hence got fucked big time in the divorce. One year she actually took home more of my income than I did. (am I stupid or what?) She's the master of the guilt trip, and I probably wouldn't have done any of that if our daughter wasn't living with her.

The last straw was when (don't ask me why I did this) my bank account came down to me paying my own rent at my small apartment, or paying her rent. I wound up paying hers, got evicted from my place, and had to move back in with my parents. Talk about embarassing.

Whenever I gave her money I always gave myself the excuse that I had no choice because I have to provide for my daughter. It has to stop somewhere, so I've made the decision to cut her off completely. She gets child support and car payment made and that's it. Whatever Mika needs she gets if I have the money, but I can't let her mother take advantage of me anymore. I swore I wouldn't let her drag me down and I would succeed no matter what.

So now I'm here. When Remi first found out what I was doing when Mika and I were looking at houses the first thing she did was be REALLY nice to me for a week or so and then ask me for $5,000. No particular reason either... "Just so I can get ahead on bills".

No way in hell I have that kind of cash so I told her "No... I don't have it." Now that I'm here she's pissed. Mika finally has her own room with me and it's full of new furniture. We're right accross the street from a nice park and school, and there are at least 5 kids her age within a few houses of us that she plays with. I'm sure Mika goes home and tells her mom all about this and now I get a serious angry vibe from her.

Fuck it...I have to act like I don't care even though I do. Truth be told I still love that woman with all my being, and I probably always will. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have the hope that she'll realize I'm not the bad guy and want to be part of my life again. After the growing up I had, I want nothing more than a "normal" family life. Wife and kid at home when I get home from work, friends over on the weekends, someone to grow and share things with. I can't imagine it being anyone but her.

But that's not going to happen. Part of buying this place was trying to tell myself that, and put something long term in my life without her. It feels empty though. No one here to share this with. I do a lot of things on a large scale. I help run charity events that draw people in the hundreds, and toys by the semi truck load, get on TV and magazines. But the joy, lift and excitement I got from that is now gone. Nobody in the passenger seat next to me to share the experience. The drive I had to go that extra mile to make those things happen has wasted away.

Definately in a funk still that I thought would have faded some after moving in here.