truebrew

Yesterday I started studying to be a meditation and dharma facilitator. Explaining to my group what brought me to this point was, in some ways, a revelation. I was unprepared for the question and answered without thinking deeply - just going with what I felt. The answer was not what I thought it would be. But it had the ring of truth.

On this journey I am beginning to realize that I use many things to live outside of what is happening in the present moment. I own many diversions from reality. Perhaps most importantly, I use them. I am beginning to recognize that I use them to escape from the messes I make in my life. I use them to look away and become someone or something else even for a short time. They allow me to escape the present moment.

I am also seeking to understand why I let my past dictate my present. I spend an inordinate amount of time examining what I view as my past mistake and failures rather than letting each arising moment die its own natural death. I hurt many people when I was younger and I have continued to do so.

Somewhere, along my 40+ year journey, I lost my balance. My sense of self became tied to fixed points in time and attributes that I thought that I owned and, scarily, believed that I could control. Somehow, I became disconnected from the life that is all around me right now. It is time to change this. It is past time.