Did you ever feel as though you were living the wrong life? Waking up each day and feeling so out of place that you didn't know what to do? For years I have tried to retrospectively attribute this feeling to a variety of different external circumstances and decisions that I made that seemed like the right decision at the time. The problem is that these decisions and circumstances have created a gravity well of life-sucking energy and it's becoming a struggle to care about all those things that brought me to this place.
- I hate the suburbs but realize that my child's best chance for a quality education lies in staying within the land of picket fences and right-wing nutso neighbors.
- I hate my corporate life but realize that writing and drawing and generally goofing off will not provide my family with the income that they have been accustomed to for so long.
- I hate the lack of adventure in my life but know that my family loves the pets, the income from my job and the other things that keep us from just taking off whenever we want to go where we want.
- I am somewhat dissatisfied by the change in my sex life brought on by the fact that our home is occupied by one more being who is now of an age to ask questions we would prefer to avoid for a while yet.
All of these things seemed right at the time. . . A good job to provide for my family, a good education for my kiddo, etc. But now, I realize that I should have found a way to work around some of these issues. I want to go back to a different time in my life before I made these decisions and re-make some of who I have become because I like this person less than the person I was before. Perhaps this is just what happens as you age. I envy those who have lived to this point without regrets and fervently wish that I could be among them. But I am not.
Once up a time. . .
- I hate the suburbs but realize that my child's best chance for a quality education lies in staying within the land of picket fences and right-wing nutso neighbors.
- I hate my corporate life but realize that writing and drawing and generally goofing off will not provide my family with the income that they have been accustomed to for so long.
- I hate the lack of adventure in my life but know that my family loves the pets, the income from my job and the other things that keep us from just taking off whenever we want to go where we want.
- I am somewhat dissatisfied by the change in my sex life brought on by the fact that our home is occupied by one more being who is now of an age to ask questions we would prefer to avoid for a while yet.
All of these things seemed right at the time. . . A good job to provide for my family, a good education for my kiddo, etc. But now, I realize that I should have found a way to work around some of these issues. I want to go back to a different time in my life before I made these decisions and re-make some of who I have become because I like this person less than the person I was before. Perhaps this is just what happens as you age. I envy those who have lived to this point without regrets and fervently wish that I could be among them. But I am not.
Once up a time. . .
Of course, there were other adventures later. . .
The last adventure. . .
That adventure was seven years ago this summer. Seven years since I have made any significant changes in my life. And maybe that's the real issue. Maybe I'm just bored. Maybe I wasn't meant to be someone who settles down and lives a "normal" life. I have to remind myself time and time again that I did this for my kiddo. Once she's grown and out of the house I can have my life back. But can I? Will it be too late then? Will I have been crushed by the gravity well of my decisions over the years?
I don't want to be a hater. . . But I do want my old life back.