trouble_

So I got the tests done.
And everything is normal.
It was the worst,
most painful, horrible
thing I could imagine having to go through...
They should really find a new sedative,
or atleast give you more of it.
Because DAMN!
Anyways.. we're down to two things it could be
a) a rare wheat allergy
b) my brain is communicating too quickly/ too much with my digestive system
Okay, so wheat allergy- don't eat wheat. There done.
MY BRAIN IS FUCKED UP?! What the HELL do you do for that?
All this makes me really regret what I did as a teenager to my body..
with drugs and anorexia...
I'm 19, I should not have these problems..
I should not be getting these tests done...
I should not feel fucking insane because they can't find the problem.
I wanted to cry, I wanted this to be the last test.
I was hoping I'd know what was wrong now.
In two weeks I have a follow up appointment,
to see what comes back from the biopsies.
I honestly believe now that they will find nothing.
There is nothing wrong with me.
Apparently my brain just wants me to waste away...
It makes sense.
All this depression, this self-hatred,
it had to materialize somehow.
I just wish it was something I could stop.
That there is something I can do to reprogram.
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel whole.
But right now, all I want is someone to hold me...
To tell me I'm not crazy, that this isn't my fault,
that there is help, and that I'm not alone.
I feel so alone...
so misunderstood by myself.
The test wasn't even as painful as these feelings...