trouble_

I don't know how to say this.
But I woke up today feeling plain, unoriginal, washed out.
There's nothing I do that someone can't do much better.
I'm just some weird little girl,
with no concrete grip on this fucking world.
Living in the cold, dark memories of my past.
I'm nothing special.
Just another teenager, trying so hard to find my place.
Struggling with addiction,
and an inability to accept myself.
To see why that is so important.
I'm tired of trying to find reasons to feel important.
I'm tired of my only outlet for these fucking feelings being this stupid pointless blog.
I'm tired of feeling inadequate.
Unable to keep up with my friends.
Unable to keep up with myself.
I'm tired of trying to justify my life with petty activities that mean nothing,
in the end.
I'm tired of opening my mouth and stories coming out that nobody wants to hear.
But are so fucking natural to me, that it is just not fucking normal.
I'm tired of feeling like an object,
desired, but never sought,
due to these very facts.
I'm tired of faking confidence,
of pretending...
I'm tired of this act.
I'm just going through the steps.
Around, and around,
I walk these damn circles.
I always wind up back here.
Depression, social anxiety, anorexia.
I'll always end up feeling useless,
pointless,
empty.
People laugh, when I tell a horrible story with a smile on my face,
because this smile is a permanent mask.
I'm tired of smiling cause I should.
How does one get so good at pretending?
Years and years of practice.
Perhaps that can be my claim.
I'm a very, very good liar.
I woke up today feeling like I want to just waste away.
Just disappear.
And upon reading these words,
you'll all jump up and say that I have no need.
That I am the opposite of all that I believe to be true.
There is no need,
I've heard it all before.
See, you don't actually know.
Nobody actually knows..
who I am.