trouble_

I've ruined everything.
I don't know how I could do that to him.
What made me so angry.
I know I was hurt,
but that does not justify this.
Nothing can justify this.
I'm so scared.
I don't want to lose you.
Even though you make me cry.
When you abuse.
I let it go because I love you.
But for some reason,
I threw it all in your face.
And have forced you to hate me.
For a change.
I don't want to be this person,
I have never been this person.
And this was not the fucking way
to solve my fucking problems.
I just want to talk it over.
I want you to hear me out.
To hear how hurt I am,
how very sorry I am...
But I don't know if that can be enough.
And I'm hurting now because
I have to accept that.
That this may make you leave me.
I'm sorry I was angry,
I'm sorry I'm a fucking alcoholic.
I'm sorry that I'm so stupid,
and so easily taken advantage of.
I'm sorry to you...
but I'm mostly sorry to myself.
Because I've really fucked up this time.
And i tried to pretend..
I tried to lie to you,
but that was so much worse.
I needed to tell you the truth.
I believe I owe you atleast that.
I just want you to call me back please...
I need to know where we stand.
I need to know.
I can't stop fucking crying,
and beating myself up.
I want you to stay with me.
I want you to love me.
Please, please understand.
Please understand that I'm an idiot.
Please understand that I'd take it all back.
I hate myself so much.
I don't know what I'm going to do...
I make myself sick.