trouble_

So I had a physical yesterday.
And of course they take your height.
And your weight.
Now normally, since I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia my entire life...
I don't look at the scale. And they say nothing.
The nurse whispered it. I heard her.
Everything I do I'm haunted by a number. It just circles around in my head.
I know that it wouldn't have mattered what the number was..
I would feel like this.
It is the number.
The number that I'm constantly fighting
and have lived the past four years of my life ignoring.
And I was happy.
Am I not happy anymore?
Now that I know... this number...
This I'm not sure. I think I love my body.
Yknow.. on the good days.
I think I look the best that I have ever before.
On the good days.
And I know I am loved.
And that's always.
So am I really going to let this make me unhappy?
Is my mind going to allow this one little three digit number ruin everything I have built up over the years?
She should have never said it. She should have kept her mouth shut.
But I knew.. I knew this day had to come.
When once again I'd have to face my greatest fear.
And I am terrified.
I know I will begin one of my insane diets again.
I know I will step it up a notch in my pilates.
I know I will be more conscious of how I dress.
It doesn't seem fair.
That this one simple little thing can come and disrupt everything in my life.
I feel I just need to hide in the arms of the one I love. Who loves me.
Until I feel completely engulfed and nothing but love can get me.
I want to stay there until these feelings run away... unable to live under such conditions.
And from there I can emerge again, once it is safe.
And that's why I love him. Because I believe that he can fight off this greatest fear of mine.
The fear of myself. Of my own scrutiny. Because he can make it okay.
I just wish I could do the same for him...