trixxx

I knew complaining of being bored yesterday would haunt me. My husband punched a hole in the wall last night. It was not boring...
The worst part of it is that in doing so he violated the nature of our relationship. It wasn't even a big fight, until that moment. That lapse of judgement that has rocked my little world. The whole reason that I chose him as a partner was that he made me feel safe. I had grown up always afraid...afraid I would be beaten, yelled at, left behind, afraid of who would come into the sanctity of my room at night. He knows this . He knows that violence , no matter how small is just plain unacceptable to me .
We have been together a long time now. 12 years . In that time we have had fights of course but not many. He and I just seem to agree on most things and have simualr goals and intherests so there really isn't much tension ever between us. Plus in the beginning he pulled this one night , we were alot younger and more prone to immaturity then i suppose. I made it clear that night , that even though he may not see the act of punching a wall as violent ..I DO. It scares me, it puts me back in a place of unknown fear. The man doesn't even raise his voice often so when he acts out like this it scares me, reminds me of other violent men I have loved and had to live with.
The fight itself isn't even worth mentioning...it was lame. It was mostly that Evelyn was up from 11 to 2 am and we were tired and once again it was on my shoulders to sort it out alone. I resented it and told him so. When he stared to get all ancy and was trying to start into it , I told him then that he was overemotional and we would talk about it the next day. He kept at it ..and at it, and he was cutting me off so I did the same back. (normally we don't even fight but if we do , we fight fair , without being rude or insulting) When i kept cutting him off he exploded , told me I wouldn't let him talk ...I was glib and said I"I Know , it IS annoying when someone does that ..isn't it?" (to show him what he was doing to me) Thats when he made a hole in the wall, right through plaster and lathe , in my living room.
So thats when I calmly went upstairs , got his work clothes for the next day and brought them down. I told him to not come up and don't bother coming home today. I told him when the boys ask what happened to the wall, I should tell them ...what a lame example of a man for them...I told him that legally he has been violent in my home and I have every right to kick him out if I feel unsafe.
I haven't seen him or heard form him since. I didn't mean that I was gonna kick him out, just wanted him to know that I could...I am embarrased that Nora is coming today. There is no way to disguise this as anything other than a punch in a wall. She is gossipy AND a tall tale teller so this should be aroung the 'hood soon. I am PISSED off that he damaged a home I love and work at every day to make it look nice. I am always repainting trim and so on to keep it fresh looking. I am mad that he scared me. I am just plain mad I dunno whats gonna happen when he comes home. I'm not sure of what I should do or say.....

Sorry for this rant but need help...or time...or...some plaster