tristesse

So i'm at home for the holidays. It's funny, because all i have here is family. no friends. just kevin's friends....and it took them years to be friendly towards me. I haven't seen any friends yet. i guess that just confirms what i've always thought. oh well. fuck this state.
i can't wait to go back to L.A. I've realized that i can actually make friends on my own. i really like being on my own. there are so many things i'm finding out for myself, that i can do but never thought i could. i figured i'd be dependent on someone else forever. now i don't want to go back to hanging onto someone else. trying to fit into their lives so they'll keep me. i'm tired of it. and it's not what's going to make me happy. so i'm not going to try to please anyone. just make myself happy. because at the end of the day, my happiness depends on me, and not anyone else in my life. if i want things to work, i have to make them work. i can't depend on other people to make me a happier, better person. i spent 20+ years doing what people wanted me to do, and just trying to please people. i thought its better if i please other people and make myself miserable instead of being selfish and happy, but possibly pissing off other people in my life. well i'm done with that. i'm going to be selfish. and do whatever makes me happy. and someday, i think, i will be