tristesse

so i've really done a lot since i've been out here. i worked on a short film, and for the first time ever, got to see my name in the credits. i wish i could feel proud of it. i did makeup and hair for a photoshoot and got to work with a great photographer and a really cool actress. still, no sense of accomplishment. it's so surreal. i'm not supposed to be successfull. i'm not going to make a difference. i'm not going anywhere.
that's what i hear in my mind on a daily basis. when will i allow myself to be happy? it's only me standing in the way. i can get opportunities and jobs and be almost happy. what if i'm not ever going to be happy? i can do the job that i dreamed of my whole life, and still, somehow be a miserable shit of a person. can anything make me truly happy? there's so many reasons why i should be, and i just can't accept them. i was born nothing. my childhood was nothing. adolescence, nothing. now, still nothing. i can't change how things work. i will always be nothing. because of me. because i won't let myself be something. i'm the one that fucks everything up and i'm the only one that is in control of my happiness. good things happen, and my mind always finds a way to twist it and make sure i know that i don't deserve anything good. i've trained myself to think this way. i'm the one that's limiting myself. all my fucking fault. i can't let things be good. i can't accept being successfull. i always have to talk myself down to nothing, again. like always.
it's time for a fucking change. i'm not sure if i can do it. everytime i try, i think about my favorite lyrics from my favorite song (which describes me perfectly) and i realize.....happiness and peace of mind is something that other people are capable of achieving. but not me. not ever.

i wish i could change. but that would change everything i am