I spent New Years Day in the Emergency room. I was paying for my sins and weakness over the past 25 years roughly.
I was an addict by age 15, which is kind of late by group home/child welfare standards, but I was always a late bloomer.
Anyway, while in the worst state Ive been other than before having surgery for Crohns Disease, it made me really think about how I want the limited time I have left in this life to look. I have cancer, crohns, and addictions/mental health issues, so am I going to continue living each day in fear of pain and shame, or can I find a way to bravely face my own elaborate prison, the one I designed to keep me safely locked away from truly living a life of risk and reward?
I dont know, but if it turns out Im more advanced with the disease than I hope, I want to take some chances and do things worth remembering, even if I only get another 6 months.
I have a sinking feeling however that the universe is not done showinf me what I can withstandx how much I can be hurt and still laugh at the absurdity.
We are such resilient and amazing creatures, we can lose almost everything and still find things to be thankful for.
I still hope, every day I hope.
Its what keeps me from taking the easy way out.