tristane

So, once again it is Friday and I am sitting home desperately trying to think of an excuse not to head back out to the pub again. The others shouted at me when I left, ordering me to come back as soon as I was done having dinner. I feel so pathetic, but I really don't want to go.

Hannah had been on me all week, trying to get me to go with her out to The Shelbourne Bar and get ridiculously drunk and celebrate my new position, and I finally complied, although rather unenthusiastic. I like Hannah - in fact she is one of my favorite people here right now - but she's got her boyfriend and they are being just as cute as new couples always are. It just makes me hurt even more. I don't begrudge her her sweet boyfriend, but Hannah as a single would be much more what I need right now.

I think I have started to let him go now; piece by piece, kiss by kiss. It came with the letter of acceptance and when I realized that I wouldn't be going to Stockholm after all. That would have been our only chance to pick things up where we left, to see if there was anything left. Being able to meet up and hang out just for the afternoon, to see how it worked out. If it worked out.
Halfway across the country there is no chance of that. It burns like acid, but I have begun to accept it.

But it hurts. God, it hurts.

The two ciders that I manged to get down at the Shelbourne before I excused myself with being too hungry to continue made more effect than I had expected. My head is clear, but I am hardly a stable walker and my balance is ridiculously bad. I keep having to erase and correct spelling mistakes. I have probably missed a few too.
I passed by Tesco on my way home and considered buying chocolates. I feel like I want something to eat, but the boxes and bags just didn't seem appealing at all. I could hardly look at them. It was as if I had cravings, but for something completely different.

Maybe I am hungry after all.