i need pain to make me feel alive. i woke up this morning feeling completely lost and not myself. its been one hell of a week or so.

i failed my exam in photography they are giving me thirty days to redo it. i just redid the test and the highest i cold get was a 70, so i got a 70 on that one and did the next one for the book i just finished and i got a 100 on that. =) yay

i went to my aunts yesterday for dinner. i felt so out of place. i didn't feel like i belonged anywhere near this family. the only ones who support me in everthing and for who i am in this family, that i know of anyways is.. my sister, heather. my cousins, dennis and paul (dennis isn't really my cousin in a way. hes family through marriage with paul). my brother, the one who lives with me. my aunt. random i know. umm get over it..

my brother and i were driving to my aunts and hes was all "so i hear yor moving to ny after the summer into renee's apartment." i just looked at him.. i guess he was talking to her and she was telling him how i was thinking of moving in with her after i payed up my lovely indebtness and saved some money. my brother proceed to question her. she told him the only thing i have to pay for is my own groceries. so he was telling me that all i need is food and they don't want rent money for me but i couldn't do that i would have to give them some money for the room.

mom and dad are still going on about how i will be paying room and board if i don't get my act together. they are pushing me further and further away from ever liking them as ppl. my dad is out to destroy me. he never talks to me and when he does he bitches about my appearance.

ah well. things are well and i am doing pretty good. just living my life and enjoying it. trying to eat some food b/c i feel i am withering to nothing.

this guy called my house this morning to see if i was interested in working some food competition. may 2 and 3rd from 6am to about 2pm i would be prepping all day may2 and the 3rd i would be prepping alil more and serving. i have to really sit down and think if i would enter a kitchen again. i have to call him in the next coule days. i feel if i don't do this i would be letting down my chef instructor b/c he was going on and on about how it would be great for me and how he thinks i can do this and be really well. god no matter what i do the chefs at my high school can track me down after a year from being out of there and still get to me.

well i am off to fix my rear light in my car and clean it out. peace love and much happiness to you all.

love
trin