trilobyte

Time for some kind of rant. Or maybe it's a ramble, I'm not sure. A friend of mine recently went all out in her journal, and just poured it all out there - the good, the bad, the ugly. I'm kind of in awe of that - it's a brave thing to do. I mean, I write this journal primarily for myself, but I'm still conscious that I'm sharing it with the masses. But I'll try and wade through the stream of consciousness nonetheless...

I hate frustration, and yet here I am surrounded by it. Creative frustration that I never seem to be able to make significant progress on the projects I'm interested in working on. I need to get some treatments together, I need to work on some graphics (logos and photos that need to be manipulated, as well as some abstract pieces that I've been meaning to get from my head into the computer). I need to work on music - both as a DJ and as a musician. I also need to work on some photography projects as well as some arty video ideas I have. I need to work on some video editing. Someone (okay, several people) commented that it's kind of a pisces thing to do, to be so indecisive and get caught up in so many distractions. But I don't feel that way. I'm not indecisive - I know I want to work on all those things. I want all of it. The distractions in my life are everything else. Really. If I won the lottery or inherited vast riches tomorrow, the things above are the things I would continue to pursue.

Fortunately, I can report that I'm not a complete sap. Well, at least I hope I'm not. I work on the story ideas almost daily - I bring a notebook with me to work, and if I don't have a vendor lunch or something else going on, I spend time working on the story outlines and defining pieces of the puzzle so that the treatments will come together more coherently. I'm working on writing the script for one of them, primarily for the experience. I know that when I'm finally able to switch gears professionally and am writing and producing for a living, I'll likely develop story ideas and then work with a writer to actually hammer out the script. I'm also working on music... I've been writing some things, plus working with my co-host (if you don't know who that is, wind back the journal or ask me) on music software. We're both learning it together, and hammering out ideas and talking with other musicians and her producer (a very cool guy). The co-host and I speak the same language musically, so working together has been good for us both. Her stuff's coming along nicely. I'm not going for something quite so cohesive right now, so don't look for any releases from The Tragic just yet.

There's so much more frustration than the creative kind. Professional frustration - I desperately need to shift into another gear, and turn the corner career-wise. Better hours, a shorter commute, a healthier atmosphere, something that holds more interest for me (the computer industry has been a great learning experience, but I'm not really facing any new challenges anymore). Personal frustration with friends that don't always respect me. Sexual frustration with crushes on people that don't feel the same way back, or who are even more shy and reserved than I am (which results in playing the flirting game for what seems like forever lol). And there's a certain weirdness in there too - I overcame the shyness and put myself out there with someone and was shot down (d'oh), but since that time the flirting and mixed signals have only gotten stronger. I've talked to some people about this, the consensus is that she's interested just afraid to get into anything (even casually), but I don't know. I've pretty healthy levels of self-loathing and self-doubt (because, you know, shyness isn't enough lol), which fucks with my ability to see my own situations clearly. All I really know is that the proverbial ball is in her court, if she wants herself some trilo she knows where to get it (that goes for all of you, too hehe). I'm also frustrated with myself - the shyness, etc... the moodiness. I know those are my hangups, but at times I let them overwhelm me and turn me into a basket case. wtf... There's also financial frustration too, but we all have to deal with that. Though at times it's the most pressing, it's the one that's the least worth stressing over - if I can get the other things done then it will fix itself. Right?

Okay, I think I'm done ranting for now. I'll thank you in advance for reading along and humoring me if you got this far.

Random question, do you think that if I moved into a mobile home or started driving a truck for a living or just decided to become homeless it would increase my chances of winning the lottery?