trelle

It's funny, sitting w/one of my best freinds, and hands down the easiest person I can talk to Jon, in a Wal-Mart parking lot at 3am can be the best way for one to vent there frustrations, no need to see a shrink, or a physc just a good close freind who has suffered the same ordeal as I have but on a diffrent view point can help anyone out who is willing to open up. This month has been really hard on me considering how well Ive been doing until I realized only a year ago this month somthing big in my life was supposed to happen, but for some reason fate didnt want it to. It's amazing that being so far, and involved in one thing that had your life set in it can dissapear so quickly... it's amazing. To look back always hurts, but its also good to realize that there was good in the past, sometimes the best feeling that you ever have had. Then looking forward an never knowing it was going to change. What happened? What went wrong? Ive come to notice now that no matter what it will never be the same, now theres the pressure of real life, where as in the past it was nothing but enjoyment, curiosity, and no pressure. Looking forward however, everything is based on lifes issues, money, location, politics, etc etc. And the days of careless spirit has gone away never to return. I miss my past w/every bit of life in me, I know it can never be the same, though I want it to be. If I had the chance yes I would do my past over again, to feel alive, to feel good about myself, but it will never be the same. Even if my past resurected its self and I was given the oppurtunity to get back into it, I want to, but Id be so afraid of something so good. The gain however though is now I have the freedom an independance to explore life, the elements it has to offer, the oppurtunities, the freindships a new, the freindships resurected, the careers, all of that, but to have to do it alone, well thats the only part I regret...