trekka

Dear 2012, Thanks for being so great so far! I totally wanna fuck your face. Love, Me.

This video is the SHIT! And this song makes me dance in my car. So there!

Ohhhh my oh my oh my oh myyyy!

So much has happened in these first couple weeks of 2012. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I've had a lot go down and goddammit if I haven't been happier than I am in this very moment. Wanna hear about it??

Of course you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this right now.

ONE shitty thing has happened. So, let's get that news out of the way first, shall we?

R.I.P Dita Von Squeak


I came home last Wednesday early in the afternoon to find that my beautiful Dita had passed away at some point during the previous night or that morning. Actually, here's the shitty part: -I- wasn't even the one who noticed. My mom did. I was busy packing up some of my things and hadn't even poked my nose in their cage yet to say hi. My mom came into my room to chit chat and she gasped. Scared the shit outta me! Knowing my mother as well as I do, I could hear it in her gasp... something was wrong.

When she looked over at me I could see it in her eyes before she even said anything...

"Dita's gone."

Everything started moving in slow motion as I walked over to the cage to see Dita on her side, her eyes halfway open but with nothing behind them. I just stood there staring.. waiting for her little tummy to rise with a breath.. My mom put her arm around me and told me she was gonna go get a box.

Had she suffered in her last moments? Why wasn't I there when she left? Was her sister scared to have her dead body just laying in there? Was she mad that I wasn't there when it happened?

People tell me I over-think things. That's probably true. But it's not something I can just change about myself in a moment of grief.

My mom came back to my room with a box. She asked me if I wanted to put her in the box or if I wanted her to do it. I thought about it. "She's MY baby, I need to do this." So, I stood there with my hand hovering about an inch above her lifeless body.

I couldn't do it.

I kept going to reach for her and my heart just kept sinking with every attempted grasp. Why couldn't I do it?! She was MY rat and I couldn't grab her little body. I finally made one last attempt to pick her up, my hand wrapped halfway around her bloated belly and I instantly felt like I was going to cry. It was the first time I had ever touched her without her moving. It wasn't her. Dita was no longer there. It was just a cold, dead rat in a cage. Tears instantly gushed from my eyes as I pulled my hand back to my body, without completing my mission. My mom took over and wrapped her in her favorite blanket and put her inside her box.

My mom and I spent the next 30 minutes finding a perfect place under a willow tree on her property. The problem with the beautiful area that my mother lives in is that the soil is filled with giant rocks. Not so easy to dig up. But we made a decent hole, placed the body in the hole and reluctantly filled it with the rocks and dirt I had just dug up.

I sat on her grave for about 20 minutes, regretting and questioning my inability to grab her body and place it in the box. Such a simple task and yet, I failed. I still haven't forgiven myself for this.

I have been going through all my old pictures.. Here are a couple of my favorites:




Bye bye, my princess. Me and your sister, Zoe miss you.

OK!!! NOW FUN SHIT!
My amazingly talented and gorgeous friend, the lovely Boomie was in town for some tattoo action and I got to be one of her victims.
This is the last photo I took of my chest before the madness:

(Thank you, push-up bra!)
And then...

..and the final product:


I also got a little addition to my sleeve-in-progress:

"Meet me in Montauk"

There's a whole story behind my decision to get the Eternal Sunshine quote tattooed on my arm with my cherry blossoms and my birds. See, my whole sleeve tells a story. It may just look like some flying birds and a branch, but each little piece was done deliberately and at different points in my life to map it all out. Without getting into the terribly boring details, it's a tribute to Brandon. Now, maybe you think it's silly to get a tattooed tribute to an ex boyfriend, but it means something much more to me. It's difficult to explain. But it makes me happy. And it brought tears to his eyes.

Speaking of men....

I have a new one. And he just may be something really really special. In fact, I KNOW he is. I feel it. I feel it in a way that words cannot describe. But I don't wanna jinx anything so I'm not going to blab about it here. Everytime I open my big mouth, something comes crashing down! Fuck that noise! This one cannot be destroyed, thus my lips are semi-sealed. I WILL tell you:
-He has tattoos
-He loves adventure almost as much as I do
-He is interesting
-He is romantic
-He is an amazing cook
-His hugs warm my heart and my soul
-His kisses make the world disappear
-His eyes tell the truth
-He thinks I'm interesting
-He loves me
-I've never felt so whole


*sigh*

I think i'm pretty done with the whole "Hopeful" thing. Not for any reason except that, as I have mentioned before, SG has lost it's appeal for me. It has changed soooo much. I would like to be able to say it has changed for the better, but unfortunately it's the opposite. The politics have gotten out of whack. I don't want to put anyone on blast or anything like that so I won't. But I have seen and heard too much that has pushed me away from what SG used to mean. It's not good enough anymore that it USED to mean something. The fact of the matter is, it no longer DOES mean anything significant for me.

This community, on the other hand, means the world to me! And I will not be going anywhere. I will, however, be deleting my Hopeful sets sometime in the next week or so. This is not an attempt to get more love! LOL Honestly, I'm just letting you know so I don't get a bunch of questions about it. Just making it known! Get it all out of your system, folks!

This doesn't mean the end of modeling for me, though. I have a couple other things in the works. Art for art's sake! Hopefully some things that will be in a gallery in SoCal thanks to a friend of mine who is looking for some new photographs to hang and sell in a high traffic gallery. I'm not looking to make any money or be seen as edgy or raw. I just want to create. Everything I do to my body is the result of an emotion, from each dot of ink in my flesh, to the dye in my hair, to the holes in my skin. I'm not trying to drop jaws anymore. I just want to give people a little taste of what I am feeling.

I think that's all I have to share tonight! I wish I had more photos to share, like old times! I am planning on going on a photographic adventure tomorrow. I feel the need to get back in touch with mother nature through a lens. So, tomorrow's plan involves LOTS of picture taking. It also involves time with the boy toy.

For once, guys, life feels pretty good. I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.