This song says it all in regard to the way I've been feeling about "life" recently. The lyrics are in the video, if you're interested.
Anyways..
So, my dad got back from The Dominican Republic yesterday and so we went out to dinner so that I could hear all about the mission. He shared some incredibly powerful stories with me that really put some things into perspective for me. Things are so very different there and it makes me feel lucky to have the rights and opportunities that I have, even when I feel like things are out of reach. I mean, I have virtually NO RISK of being attacked by someone with a machete here, for instance. My dad told me that the majority of injuries they were treating on adult men where caused by machetes. The children they treated we mostly having corrective surgeries for old deformities or broken bones that went untreated for so long that they healed incorrectly. And about 75% of people they treated had AIDS. They do not have the medication to help them there. Anywhere. If anyone has the medication, it is because of people like my father, who are on a medical mission, and they donate it. But, as we know, that does not happen nearly as often as it should.
I feel a dagger in my heart when my dad tells me these stories, but I MAKE him tell me. He tells me sometimes that he doesn't want to share them with me because he knows how sensitive I am and he says he doesn't want me to have a "heavy heart". But let's face it, I already have a heavy heart. I take on everyone's issues as if they are my own. I don't know why I am this way. It makes me feel as though I am meant to do something to help people, but I don't know -what-. I just feel like I'm wasting time that could be spent bettering the world, however small the act. I wish that I could have gotten my passport in time to make it on this mission with him. But, hopefully next time I'll have that and I'll be able to attend and put this heavy, bleeding heart to use.
I should have pictures with accompanying stories to share with you very soon. I have demanded that my father upload the images as soon as possible so that I can steal them and use them. Maybe I'll do a couple paintings or drawings to portray these people's pain and suffering. Things are just so different there. So very different. Like I said, man: Dagger in my heart I hope this doesn't come off as a total downer to you guys. This is just something that really struck a chord with me and I wanted to share.
On a lighter note!
I spent some time yesterday exploring the field in front of my parents' home, because I'm a goofy, bored hippy sometimes and that's what I do. Hehehe! Here are some pictures I took. I'll spoiler em so as to not bug those of you who aren't interested.
Fun fun fun! 
THURSDAY is a big big day for me and I am really looking forward to it. In addition to my set, Sail Away, shot by Lorelei being released, I have a fitting for the commercial and photo shoot, which is happening on Sunday. 
I am not sure what clothes they got. I know they were going for a kind of 50's/60's style pinup look, so I am really really looking forward to seeing what they pulled together! I'm a little nervous, just because it's a totally new experience for me and I don't wanna fuck it up. I want to be the absolute best I can be and I hope that I meet everyone expectations of me. You know how I always worry about stuff. lol But it's very very exciting for me, in addition to being slightly nerve racking. 
Aaaaand I don't know if you know this about me, but sometimes I like to get naked 
I've been hooping a lot these days, and not only does it make my heart and mind happy, but it seems to be making my abs happy. And that pleases me greatly! Especially since my mom got me a new SUPER CUTE leopard print string bikini yesterday. I wanna ROCK that shit this summer. Haha! I already feel pretty comfortable in it. Actually, this is the first time in my 25 years of existence that I have felt this comfortable in a bikini. 
The weather has been a little funny for a May in Sacramento, with thunder storms and everything. But it seems to finally be warming up so, I'll take some pics of me in said bikini as soon as I can rock it outside. I may even tough out the wind today and take some pics. Who knows?! You'll just have to excuse the hooping bruises that are all over my torso and legs. HAHA!
What else???
Oh, dinner at the ex's went extremely well Sunday night. I really feel like he and I have found the right balance for our friendship to now thrive. I think we can pull some really great music out of our current state and that gets me excited. He and I have been through so much together and now, without the pressure of "being together", I genuinely believe we can work together on creating some really beautiful things. I don't know if that sounds weird to you guys, but it totally makes sense to us. And plus, I'm able to go play with my fur babies a lot now and all sorts of fun things. I dunno. It feels good and I'm pretty content with the way things are in that area of my life.
I'm still grasping at straws in the job department. It seems that everyone hires high school kids during the summer and I'm not sure where that leaves us twenty-somethings. It's incredibly frustrating, but I'm trying to just muscle through it. I know I'll find something. I feel like I have a purpose and that I will find what that is, but I don't know when that'll happen. In the meantime, I'm jist applying for just about every job I come across. I have revised my resume several times. I'm not sure what it is that is going on. Just that there aren't as many jobs available as there once was? Or that maybe the one's I've applied for just weren't meant to be? I don't know. but I will figure it out. I know it.
I know I will find my place in this world.
Living on hope. It's all I've got. And I am grateful that the clusterfuck that is my brain, is allowing me to hold on to that. And I know that a lot of that is thanks to you all, who have been providing your hands for stability and your hearts for strength. For that, I will thank you a million times over. I feel so lucky to have found the SG community! I know I say it all the time, but I will never stop, so get used to it: Thank you
Well, I'd better do something productive before this caffeine wears off! Remember to keep your eyes peeled for this:
..and as you've all suggested, I'll keep the stars within my sight. Peace.
The End
XOXOX
Trekka
I'm excited for you.