treesblack

FUCK! I just wrote this massive blog about how I'm not ok and how me and the Ex talked for hours and everything is over completely, and then my computer fucked itself and I lost the whole thing. There is no way I can go through the pain of writing it all again so fuck it.

Stupid fucking technology.

I've lost my best friend and my first love, we are never going to be together again and I'm not dealing with it at all.
I want to have a break from my mind, from being me and being inside my head. It's exhausting feeling the way I do all the time, I am seriously exhausted. I wish I could just leave myself to be the crazy fucked up girl and the normal happy girl I used to know could come on holidays with me and I could have a break.
With him I was a completely different person. I was truly happy in a way that I have never ever been before in my life. I remember what it felt like to feel so completely ok with everything, not one bad thought in my head, it was like a drug. I was a non-drinker, excited about life, young girl with nothing but good thoughts and amazing strength. I honestly don't know how people recognise me now, I feel like a completely different person.

I know it's really cliched but I think I finally understand when people say they look in the mirror and don't recognise themselves. I refrain from looking in the mirror now because when I do I honestly get startled. I suppose I have this idea in my head of what I look like and who I am, and it's who I was a yr ago when I met him and before my life turned upside down this year. The person who looks back is a complete fake. Some stranger who is so so so sad on the inside that as much as I fake it, the sadness and craziness still seeps through.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, I've lost myself and I don't know this person who inhabits my thoughts constantly. It scares me so much. If this isnt who I am than who is? I'm lost. I feel like I have multiple personalities that make up me and I don't know which one is really me. When I am around people it's like someone else takes over, I feel as though I am on autopilot and I often can't remember things that went on like I wasn't really there. I suppose that's the me that everyone else sees and it's so close to my true self as to not attract attention or suspicion.

Then theres the scared little girl who has been abused and hurt and neglected and refuses to deal with it or be ok so all of the pure pain is handed to her. She is the one who sat in the shower for 2 hrs today until the hot water ran out and cried so hard she vomited and couldnt bare to think about anything outside of that shower stall.

Then there's a part of me that just feels really angry all the time, so angry that I'm depressed and can't bare to get out of bed and face anything because I am so angry that the world and living hurts so much.

Then there's a part of me that just feels completely insane and that happens when I can't control all of these people inside me.

And then I'm not sure which one is me... There is a rational me I think, that thinks about all of these things logically and seems completely disengaged. When it becomes too much this happens and everything else shuts down and rational cold me just works on getting on with life.

I'm fucked. And I don't have any idea what to do about it.

Sorry for the outburst of honesty. Although I doubt anyone will read it. Nice therapy for me though.

This is a photo of me and the Ex. Kind of just to say goodbye. This was the time I was truly happy.


Trees
xxx