trashcanjack

I keep scanning back to a few days ago when she told me she loved me.

We'd just had another biiig conversation at Hugo's and I let loose. I'd had enough. I crammed every single ounce of worry, emotion, anxiety and honesty into my sentences and sent them directly to her. So much was happening in my noggin' that I even had to get quiet to formulate what I wanted to say.

Because I didn't want to hurt anymore.

I HATED hearing other guys' names in her adventures that she was having, because it didn't involve me...names like Kevin, Todd...my stomach churned every time she mentioned them, feeling that they were giving them something that I wasn't...

I had to hear her side of the story.

Then, she let loose on me. Alot of it came out. Some, I'd heard and alot I hadn't...her falling out of feelings for Sean recently, the guy she left back in NY among other things...how she handles other guys she's dating fucking other girls (she says she doesn't ask because she doesn't want to know...) and of all things, affection. Something I've been desperately seeking from her, but never had a chance to enjoy...because that's what I wanted all along.

She even said,"I'm a VERY affectionate person, Brian. It's a shame you don't know that side of me."

We walked back to my car and she asked me..."What can I do OUTSIDE OF BEING YOUR GIRLFRIEND to make you feel better?"

Awkwardly, I said, "Just tell me I rule once in a while..."
"I will when you do," was her answer.

We made it back to her place, and I had to use her bathroom. We spoke a few minutes longer. I was already late for work that day and hadn't even gotten into my monkey suit, when something happened...

"Brian, it's like you've got this energy of "want" around you. And as long as you've got that, I don't think I can trust you. Do you understand?"

I did.

At that point, I starting being okay with it all. With the guys she was hanging out with...with her other relationships and guys with which she was intimate, and that I'd let it bother me for almost 6 months. I'd subconciously decided to DROP the act, because it was far too important for me to have her trust me than for me to try to decide on different tactics to try to force myself to get closer to her as she pushed herself away...

I went to the door, sighed and said "Well, okay, I'm off...I'll see you in a few hours..." or something like that...

"Brian...(God, I loved this moment) I do love you...I want you to know that."

I could almost NOT make this sentence out, because I was afraid of what it could mean...but I was beyond caring at that point when I decided to say it...

"As I do, you."

It became totally different RIGHT THEN and even that evening...while I was at work, she asked me if I was okay...

"Fine," I said. And I was. I felt, actually, great.

I saw her at her work later on that night, and I took off my tie and set it down...she comes over without provocation, gives me this gleeful little eye, slinks the tie around the back of my neck, pulls me toward her and kisses me full on the mouth...

It was because I wasn't trying anymore. I wasn't pining anymore. Because after that awesome moment in her adorable, Pier One-adorned studio in North Hollywood, I KNEW what I give her is completely unique and special and great and cool.

So come what fucking may...

A day later, I get this little text message:

"i'm glad we talked yesterday i feel closer to you...you rule."