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trashcanjack

Santa Barbara, California.

Member Since 2003

Followers 8 Following 19

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Friday Jan 28, 2005

Jan 28, 2005
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Gawd, I just feel myself getting a little more aggro every day...

::cracking neck::

Gr.

If I've learned anything in the last few months, it's that I need a more effective method of control. Both in my working career and my life.

For too long, I've spent too much within me trying to endear people towards me to get them to do what I want them to do: Asking them nicely, suggesting polite errands to run for me, can you help me out, can you do me a favor, whehwhehwhehwhwhwheh...

Fuck it. I think I'm through being nice.

I've got internal, autonomous strength, I'm charismatic, and I fucking rule. I wanna learn how to control things and people...how evil does that sound? Pretty bad, I know, but I've been trying to become a little more dominant in my life anyway...

I have to start getting control of my own goddamn EMOTIONS. And, of course, this is brought about by a mismanagement of a relationship with a girl.

She: dominant. Me: Submissive. We fuck around for about a month, I get too grabby and clingy, subconciously desiring her as a girlfriend; it's an open relationship arrangement and she's purposely not giving that intimacy. She realizes what I'm doing before I do and cuts me loose. I'm in too deep.

I totally dig her, and still try to shake it off as late as last week...and what happens: By blind, fucking ugly luck, I inadvertantly meet the other guy she's seeing by mistake. I'm struck for a few days, because this guy wields a certain power over her that I see firsthand. And I'm blown...the...fuck...away. She becomes a fucking kitten in his arms, and begs to go home with him that night. He declines.

"Under my thumb's a girl who once had me down, under my thumb's a girl who's FUCKED me around..."

I WANT THAT KIND OF CONTROL.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In these demented ramblings (Just PLEASE allow me these...that's why these are here, right?) I'm really trying to own up to my feelings...

I'm starting to figure out that I ALONE can own what I feel.
Actually, it was SHE who read me this quote. I paraphrase: "Pain is neverending, suffering is optional."

Ok, if THAT doesn't key in to what I feel might be necessary in my life, I don't know WHAT does...

That I'm starting to realize that no one else can make me feel any certain way. It's like I've depended on outside stimuli to dictate how I should feel. Someone's upset with me, I usually automatically feel sorry. Someone's laughing, I laugh right along with them before I even realize it might be at my own expense. Fucking pathetic, playing the good guy all the time...

The pain I'm feeling is lack of control, weakness. And I've been too focused on other people being the blame for it. Fuckit, I'm sick of this...

So, look out. And I'm apologizing to everyone in advance. Who I deal with on the day to day basis will prolly never see this entry, save one particular SG, but I have to get this down:

I'm going to start being a fucking dick.

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