I'm going to run away soon. I've just gotta get meredyth to come with me. I can't stay here anymore. This place is just so fucking backwards. Life is backwards. I just wanna keep going until I see somewhere that life looks right. I know it's there. It has to be. It can't all be like this. And in the end if it is... then at the end, at least i know I have the piece of mind knowing that i tried. But I can't stay here. There isn't one day, not one fucking day, that something doesn't bring out the most pure of hates in me. And it's usually not something tangible. It's something that would take me pages to describe. Books. Many volumes and editions.
It hasn't happened lately, but some nights when i get scared, I can't sit still or close my eyes or sleep. It's because I'm afraid that this is all there is. That there is nothing that fits for me. And it's like a domino effect. It just rolls from one small picture to a bigger one. And in my head, it's like I picture me, then my town, then the world, and then infinite space. And I don't fit anywhere. And I don't want to live or die or be. I just want to cease. And tonight I know that i've got to go find somewhere that doesn't make me feel like that. Somewhere that I wake up every morning with a smile. And I hope when I go that she comes with me. Because she is the closest thing that I have to something that fits. And if she does, and I find that place--I can say "Look. I told you. We can be happy."
Most of the time I feel like I'm at least more happy than sad. But I swear I feel like keeping that even is a battle. Right now I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like causing destruction, but I won't. I feel like going back to the person I used to be. The one who was never happy, but at least satisfied. The person who would have sold his soul or any other part of himself just to seem like he was in control. Now I don't even want to be in control. I just want to be away from all these stupid fucking people. These people who make you feel like you owe them something when you don't. These people who make you feel inferior when you aren't. These people that seem to all be the same, and they just want to break down everyone else to fit into the group. Because no one should ever feel inferior. Not because of race, creed, sex, sexuality, or fucking anything else. And part of me wants to believe that in the end, love and peace will overcome if we truly want it to. But then at the times when I feel so ... broken... I feel like nothing short of extinction will fix things. I feel like we have already gone too far on this path to fix things. But at least I have something... I have the thought that need to try. Because if I don't, then what's the point of even living? Why even stay around? And I also have someone I really want to try with. And tonight... she is the only reason I'm here typing. Instead of out walking with a pack on my back of some clothes and some fruit.
QOTD: "My home is in my head." --Bob Marley
It hasn't happened lately, but some nights when i get scared, I can't sit still or close my eyes or sleep. It's because I'm afraid that this is all there is. That there is nothing that fits for me. And it's like a domino effect. It just rolls from one small picture to a bigger one. And in my head, it's like I picture me, then my town, then the world, and then infinite space. And I don't fit anywhere. And I don't want to live or die or be. I just want to cease. And tonight I know that i've got to go find somewhere that doesn't make me feel like that. Somewhere that I wake up every morning with a smile. And I hope when I go that she comes with me. Because she is the closest thing that I have to something that fits. And if she does, and I find that place--I can say "Look. I told you. We can be happy."
Most of the time I feel like I'm at least more happy than sad. But I swear I feel like keeping that even is a battle. Right now I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like causing destruction, but I won't. I feel like going back to the person I used to be. The one who was never happy, but at least satisfied. The person who would have sold his soul or any other part of himself just to seem like he was in control. Now I don't even want to be in control. I just want to be away from all these stupid fucking people. These people who make you feel like you owe them something when you don't. These people who make you feel inferior when you aren't. These people that seem to all be the same, and they just want to break down everyone else to fit into the group. Because no one should ever feel inferior. Not because of race, creed, sex, sexuality, or fucking anything else. And part of me wants to believe that in the end, love and peace will overcome if we truly want it to. But then at the times when I feel so ... broken... I feel like nothing short of extinction will fix things. I feel like we have already gone too far on this path to fix things. But at least I have something... I have the thought that need to try. Because if I don't, then what's the point of even living? Why even stay around? And I also have someone I really want to try with. And tonight... she is the only reason I'm here typing. Instead of out walking with a pack on my back of some clothes and some fruit.
QOTD: "My home is in my head." --Bob Marley