transgress

Meredith just called. I've so bad wanted to talk to her. But I haven't called. I told her i'd leave her be. But each night i hope she calls. Each night I hope she stops by steak and shake. But she hasn't. Until this morning. And this morning I find out she would've stopped at steak and shake. But Shawn followed her. So she didn't come in. She treated me like a dirty little fucking secret. And it hurt.... so much. And I am so angry. And I wanted to scream so loud. And wanted to disappear so completely. Because that was so insulting. But I'm still here. Just regaining feeling in my hand from wailing on my futon to the point of my knuckles going numb. I feel so much like I'm going to explode... but I know I want. And I don't know how to calm down. I don't know how to make this go away. If I had ever put my punching bag back up I'd probably hit it until my knuckles bleed. But I didn't. So I'll probably go smoke instead. Until I'm distracted. Until I can forget for just a bit. This place is really starting to hurt. And if I can alleviate some of that, I'll leave. But I want to be leave to see other places... not to run. If I run I'll never get away. If I do that then every night I'll just be back here. Back in this room. Alone. Scared. Hurt.