Here are three places that I frequent. The other people in these places seem to have forgotten the rules, so I wrote them down.
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
-When a train, bus, trolley, subway, etc. stops wait for the people coming out to get off before you get on. I don't see why this is so hard for everyone. The train is not just going to randomly close its doors while people are still getting off and drive away leaving you at the station wishing you had pushed that elderly woman out of your way instead of politely waiting. Oh, and if I'M waiting for people to get off because I'm not an asshole, don't push me out of your way so you can get to the door a fraction of a second sooner to push other people out of your way.
-If you own a cell phone (and you know you do) please realize that just because the person on the other end of your phone may be enthralled to hear about your trip to the gynecologist, does not mean that everyone on the train (or more specifically, me) feels the same way. In other words, KEEP YOUR FUCKING VOICE DOWN! Actually, this isn't restricted to just trains and buses, people in coffee shops, restaurants, walking down the street, in hotel lobbies, at the barber shop, or pretty much anywhere that's not in the privacy of your own damn home should adhere to this rule as well.
-I understand that trains get crowded sometimes, and it's unavoidable that I'll have to sit next to someone. If there are empty seats, however, put your fat ass in one of them. I don't really give a shit if you don't feel like walking an extra 3 feet, or if the empty seat happens to be near some *gasp* black people, why should I suffer because you're a moron?
-If the bus hasn't come at the exact second it was scheduled to come, or even, like, 20 minutes after it was supposed to come, please don't sit muttering, "Where is this thing?" "Aw man, I'm so late," "It's cold, where the fuckin' train?" etc. I've been riding SEPTA a long time now, and trust me, complaining doesn't make the buses run on time.
-Dear people who listen to rap, headphones have been invented, they're inexpensive.
-Lastly, this one is for the driver: CALL OUT ALL THE STOPS! Not everyone rides this particular bus everyday. We don't always know when our stop is coming up.
MOVIES
-Babies don't like movies. Know how I know? They cry through them. If you wanted to go to the movies, you shouldn't have had babies. If you wanted to have babies, you should realize that you forfeited your movie-going privileges.
-I don't want to hear your stupid fucking comments. Yes, that was a particularly gory scene, yes, what that man said was funny, yes, that woman has taken her top off... if you don't mind though, I'll wait for this to come out on DVD for the commentary.
-Don't you wish there was some sort of short film, or place card, or sign, or people giving you dirty looks to remind you to turn your cell phone off? That would be nice. It would be even better if they showed these things, like, 5 million times before the movie started to really drive the point home.
-If there is an empty seat that's not directly in front of me, and you're, like, 16 ft. tall, go sit in it.
OUTSIDE
-No, you can't have a cigarette. 'Nuff said.
-It's really nice that you and your six friends are walking around together, and it's cute that you all want to walk next to each other. If I may, however, I'd like to offer some advice... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! I mean, Jesus! If you see someone trying to get by, just step to the side for a second, don't be a dick.
-Get your fucking bike in the fucking street! It's called a sideWALK for a reason.
-Speaking of which, if I'm riding my bike in the street (in accordance with the law) don't you goddamn even think about honking your fucking shit horn at me, asshole. Go the fuck around me, it's not that hard.
-Dear people who listen to rap, headphones have been invented, they're inexpensive.
-Don't stare. Especially not at me.
-If you ask me for directions and I give them to you, then don't argue with me. If you're not going to believe what I tell you, why did you even bother to ask?
-Pick up your dog's shit or, so help me, I will come to your house and kill you with it.
-Dear, like, just about everyone, trash cans have been invented. It would be nice if you put your trash in them.
-Moms, children are not car proof. Don't let the little snot factories run into the street or they will DIE. Furthermore, if your children are car proof... cool! Can you teach me?
-When the light is green and you are turning in your car and I am walking straight across the street, guess what? I have the right of way. You can wave your fucking arms all you want; I'm walking, deal with it.
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
-When a train, bus, trolley, subway, etc. stops wait for the people coming out to get off before you get on. I don't see why this is so hard for everyone. The train is not just going to randomly close its doors while people are still getting off and drive away leaving you at the station wishing you had pushed that elderly woman out of your way instead of politely waiting. Oh, and if I'M waiting for people to get off because I'm not an asshole, don't push me out of your way so you can get to the door a fraction of a second sooner to push other people out of your way.
-If you own a cell phone (and you know you do) please realize that just because the person on the other end of your phone may be enthralled to hear about your trip to the gynecologist, does not mean that everyone on the train (or more specifically, me) feels the same way. In other words, KEEP YOUR FUCKING VOICE DOWN! Actually, this isn't restricted to just trains and buses, people in coffee shops, restaurants, walking down the street, in hotel lobbies, at the barber shop, or pretty much anywhere that's not in the privacy of your own damn home should adhere to this rule as well.
-I understand that trains get crowded sometimes, and it's unavoidable that I'll have to sit next to someone. If there are empty seats, however, put your fat ass in one of them. I don't really give a shit if you don't feel like walking an extra 3 feet, or if the empty seat happens to be near some *gasp* black people, why should I suffer because you're a moron?
-If the bus hasn't come at the exact second it was scheduled to come, or even, like, 20 minutes after it was supposed to come, please don't sit muttering, "Where is this thing?" "Aw man, I'm so late," "It's cold, where the fuckin' train?" etc. I've been riding SEPTA a long time now, and trust me, complaining doesn't make the buses run on time.
-Dear people who listen to rap, headphones have been invented, they're inexpensive.
-Lastly, this one is for the driver: CALL OUT ALL THE STOPS! Not everyone rides this particular bus everyday. We don't always know when our stop is coming up.
MOVIES
-Babies don't like movies. Know how I know? They cry through them. If you wanted to go to the movies, you shouldn't have had babies. If you wanted to have babies, you should realize that you forfeited your movie-going privileges.
-I don't want to hear your stupid fucking comments. Yes, that was a particularly gory scene, yes, what that man said was funny, yes, that woman has taken her top off... if you don't mind though, I'll wait for this to come out on DVD for the commentary.
-Don't you wish there was some sort of short film, or place card, or sign, or people giving you dirty looks to remind you to turn your cell phone off? That would be nice. It would be even better if they showed these things, like, 5 million times before the movie started to really drive the point home.
-If there is an empty seat that's not directly in front of me, and you're, like, 16 ft. tall, go sit in it.
OUTSIDE
-No, you can't have a cigarette. 'Nuff said.
-It's really nice that you and your six friends are walking around together, and it's cute that you all want to walk next to each other. If I may, however, I'd like to offer some advice... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! I mean, Jesus! If you see someone trying to get by, just step to the side for a second, don't be a dick.
-Get your fucking bike in the fucking street! It's called a sideWALK for a reason.
-Speaking of which, if I'm riding my bike in the street (in accordance with the law) don't you goddamn even think about honking your fucking shit horn at me, asshole. Go the fuck around me, it's not that hard.
-Dear people who listen to rap, headphones have been invented, they're inexpensive.
-Don't stare. Especially not at me.
-If you ask me for directions and I give them to you, then don't argue with me. If you're not going to believe what I tell you, why did you even bother to ask?
-Pick up your dog's shit or, so help me, I will come to your house and kill you with it.
-Dear, like, just about everyone, trash cans have been invented. It would be nice if you put your trash in them.
-Moms, children are not car proof. Don't let the little snot factories run into the street or they will DIE. Furthermore, if your children are car proof... cool! Can you teach me?
-When the light is green and you are turning in your car and I am walking straight across the street, guess what? I have the right of way. You can wave your fucking arms all you want; I'm walking, deal with it.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
people who let their retard kids trash the table and floor of restaurants.
clean that shit up, it's your kid, and you wouldn't let them do that at your house.
i see this every time i go to a restaurant and it annoys the shit out of me.
this is quite possibly the best thing I've read all week