torment

Currently I guess I've been questioning my role in the off, off, off, off, off Broadway Play, Chris' Life. I've just been really down lately cause I let a bunch of people down and one in particular. I did some things I'm not proud of and there just isn't enough "I'm sorry" to cover it.

I look at the choices I've made and have to wonder "What in the FUCK was I thinking?!?" Everyone teases me about being the 'bad guy'. And for a long time I guess I kinda wore it like a badge of honor. Lately though it's more like a weight around my neck and I find myself wondering exactly why I've made the choices I have. I don't have any answers but if you see one laying around, let me know.

I fall in love with people who are totally unattainable, I end up alienating most of them because it hurts to be around them and I hate smiling all the time when I don't want to for someone else's benefit so they can feel good about 'us' moving on. See... there's that evil again. Selfishness. Sure all of us are selfish to a degree... it's human nature. But at what point is it acceptable to say "I want *insert whatever here*!"? The line between what we want and what we'll never have is sometimes so blurred though. I just don't ever want to be left wondering "What if I'd gone after it?"

Ahhh and I hate introspective rambling so I'll stop now...