torihoney

so i'm faced with a dilemna... do i let someone that i care about extricate themselves out of my life because of a misunderstanding that i didn't mean to cause, or do i fight for them to let me back in? i understand alot about wanting to be solitary, to not need or seek others out in order to feel like your life is complete...aren't friendships sometimes more painful then they are beneficial? but of course this isn't feasible, to truly shun other people just because you don't want to get hurt. life is hurtful, people say and do impossibly horrible things to each other on a daily basis... and we are resilient creatures in the sense that we blow up (or silently seethe), resolve it and move on. or at least in most cases. the premature death of a friendship is about the saddest thing i can think of. to still see someone that you care about in social circles, to hear about them, always secondhand...and have to act fake in order to get through it all. i don't want that. i'm not the type of person that says sorry just to avoid conflict. i say i'm sorry when i really mean it, when i have hurt someone that i care about, and i want to tell them i know i did and it makes me feel horrible that they were hurt. words can't solve everything, but sometimes they are the only beginning you can have.

it's hard to know other people see you as inconsistent. that's an assumption that i know i have to live with. but to have other people see you as inconsiderate is intolerable to me. i know i hurt people inadvertantly with my inattention and distractedness, but i am not a malicious person.

cathy i'm sorry. i don't know what else to say...