torihoney

"Cold men destroy women," my mother wrote me years later. "They woo them with something personable that they bring out for show, something annexed to their souls like a fake greenhouse, lead you in, and you think you see life and vitality and sun and greenness, and then when you love them, they lead you out into their real soul, a drafty, cavernous, empty ballroom, inexorably arched and vaulted and mocking you with its echoes- you hear all you have sacrificed, all you have given, landing with a loud clunk. They lock the greenhouse and you are as tiny as a figure in an architect's drawing, a faceless splotch, a blur of stick limbs abandoned in some voluminous desert of stone."
Lorrie Moore "What is Seized"

when i read this line, something inside of me resonates, and i really wish it wouldn't. it's beautifully written, worded so strongly, but i wish i didn't see as much as i do in it. maybe i am wrong about everything... but then again, i seldom waver on how i feel deep down. hopefully with time, my perception changes.

bought a jem album today... but i listened to elliot smith on the way home. since he died, his music affects me differently. it seems even more plaintive, if you can imagine that. i feel like i'm getting closer to the center of who i am, at the core... i am excited to see how it all pans out, and nervous that i want to be changed at the same time. i just want to feel real all of the time, not pretending, not posturing, not removed from everyone- just me. we see the counselor again tommorow... wish me luck. sometimes the truth is harder to take than all of the worries heaped upon your shoulders, the fears and doubts fully realized. but still....

three things i am thankful for today....
1. chai tea lattes
2. the decemberists x 2 this week
3. the wisdom of others, on the printed page.

hope everyone is swell.