torihoney

so today is the funeral, man do i hate these things. saying goodbye seems to me an event that should be more personal, and less of a gathering. it makes me feel odd to mourn as part of a group.
lately i feel as if i can't make anyone happy in my life. i'm not a good enough friend to many of the people in my life, or so i'm made to feel. when i'm feeling ill, and i'm sick to death of talking to people (retail just about kills your sense of goodness towards anyone), the last thing i want to do is be coddled or fussed over by anyone, and i certainly don't have anything to give to others... at least not for awhile. is it so strange that i prefer my own company, the soltitude and peace of books to read, rather than the three ring circus that seems to traipse through my house? i'm just sick of feeling like what i want to do isn't right, it's my life after all, and i should be the one calling the shots. i just need to tell myself that all the martyrs died horrible deaths, and i should learn how to say things the way i mean them, when i feel them. i can do it at work, why can't i grow a pair and apply it to the rest of my life?