A Day in the Life of Jaws, Slayer of the Evil Reptiles and Defender of the Great Outdoor Expanse
Greetings, unworthy minions! I, Jaws, have decided to enlighten you on my daily doings since Slave Tori's updates have been rather boorishly similar of late. She has no right to be sad; she has me as her master!
I was flabbergasted yet again today at the skewed perspective of the humans. Their dumbness amazes me. They speak as if they are the only ones that can hear, and they rarely listen to the grand eloquence of the feline species. Many downright lies were told about me today. I cannot let this rest! The truth must be told!
Firstly, I did not fall into the gigantic drinking bowl that has recently appeared in the backyard for my pleasure. I see the humans swim around in that damn thing almost every day. I suppose they "fell" in too?! For your information, cats have perfect balance. We always land on our feet, we never roll off the bed (and if we do, it's on purpose), and, of course, we wouldn't fall into any large body of water. Water in excess amounts is toxic to the great feline's health.
Secondly, there was absolutely no need for Slave Tori to rub me with the stinky rough cloth. I can dry myself. I have an amazing tongue that never gets tired. Yes, it might have taken me several hours since the blasted rain kept the sun from doing its duty, but, tongue cleaning is the most efficient and beneficial method known to the universe. Why do you think I lick your feet at night? Because they smell, stupid! Your many perfumes and showers and baths don't fix that. Only the feline tongue has the power to cure your awful human smell.
The interloper known as "The Bud", or, alternatively, "Rosebud", is spending more time in my house and yard of late. She does not take care of her slaves very good because they always leave her in the summer to go somewhere called "Maine." Slaves never want to leave their cats; the power of the feline is far too grand and all encompassing! Humans take pleasure in serving our every whim. Anyway, this Bud creature is ancient. I, of course, respect the aged of my species and shall allow her to sit in my favorite sunbeams. However, her crankiness has arrived at a new level. Today, she BATTED me in the eye! I was shocked, and temporarily blind. What had I done to deserve this horrible offense? Nothing! Well, I might have walked up behind her, but I did not sneak. The old bag is practically blind, deaf, and dumb anyway. An earthquake couldn't move her.
In any case, I did not run away. I simply exited in deference to her grand age and past survival instincts. Of course I could kick her skinny granny ass any day. I'm Jaws the fearsome! I will allow her to roam through my territory and share my food and poop box for now. But beware, The Bud, one more paw out of line, and I will bite it!
I am sleepy. Time for another nap. Where has my bedwarmer gotten to? Ah. There she is.
I bid you goodnight.
P.S. Why are there no presents on wishlist for me??! Fix this!
Greetings, unworthy minions! I, Jaws, have decided to enlighten you on my daily doings since Slave Tori's updates have been rather boorishly similar of late. She has no right to be sad; she has me as her master!
I was flabbergasted yet again today at the skewed perspective of the humans. Their dumbness amazes me. They speak as if they are the only ones that can hear, and they rarely listen to the grand eloquence of the feline species. Many downright lies were told about me today. I cannot let this rest! The truth must be told!
Firstly, I did not fall into the gigantic drinking bowl that has recently appeared in the backyard for my pleasure. I see the humans swim around in that damn thing almost every day. I suppose they "fell" in too?! For your information, cats have perfect balance. We always land on our feet, we never roll off the bed (and if we do, it's on purpose), and, of course, we wouldn't fall into any large body of water. Water in excess amounts is toxic to the great feline's health.
Secondly, there was absolutely no need for Slave Tori to rub me with the stinky rough cloth. I can dry myself. I have an amazing tongue that never gets tired. Yes, it might have taken me several hours since the blasted rain kept the sun from doing its duty, but, tongue cleaning is the most efficient and beneficial method known to the universe. Why do you think I lick your feet at night? Because they smell, stupid! Your many perfumes and showers and baths don't fix that. Only the feline tongue has the power to cure your awful human smell.
The interloper known as "The Bud", or, alternatively, "Rosebud", is spending more time in my house and yard of late. She does not take care of her slaves very good because they always leave her in the summer to go somewhere called "Maine." Slaves never want to leave their cats; the power of the feline is far too grand and all encompassing! Humans take pleasure in serving our every whim. Anyway, this Bud creature is ancient. I, of course, respect the aged of my species and shall allow her to sit in my favorite sunbeams. However, her crankiness has arrived at a new level. Today, she BATTED me in the eye! I was shocked, and temporarily blind. What had I done to deserve this horrible offense? Nothing! Well, I might have walked up behind her, but I did not sneak. The old bag is practically blind, deaf, and dumb anyway. An earthquake couldn't move her.
In any case, I did not run away. I simply exited in deference to her grand age and past survival instincts. Of course I could kick her skinny granny ass any day. I'm Jaws the fearsome! I will allow her to roam through my territory and share my food and poop box for now. But beware, The Bud, one more paw out of line, and I will bite it!
I am sleepy. Time for another nap. Where has my bedwarmer gotten to? Ah. There she is.
I bid you goodnight.
P.S. Why are there no presents on wishlist for me??! Fix this!
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Your address is not!
No addy, no gifty.
I bask in awe of your majesty. Please honor us with further commentary as events warrant. My Lords and Ladies Fang, Claw, Fearless, Baby, and Jacket send their regards. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are engaged in stealth maneuvers that human ninjas only begin to emulate in some vague fashion (and surely this unworthy one can not see them, for they can not see this one from their wisely chosen places of hiding!) or they would as well.
Sincerely,
grayness