tonywestside

alright, so i guess you could say that life's been moving a little too fast lately. i feel like i've barely stood still for the past 2 weeks. not that i'm complaining, mind you. things have been really good lately.

so we got liz back to ohio. it was a fucking long trip. dad says that him and i drove over 5000 miles. even though i've been back for almost a week now (has it really been that long???) it still feels like i'm still moving sometimes. i almost died more than once on the trip, and that's in all seriousness. one instance in particular, i was literally about a foot away from getting my sister and i killed. ugly business. long story short, people are asshole when they're not driving, but become even bigger ones once they get behind the wheel of their cars. and that goes for every state. you hear me stupid people? fuck you and your bad driving.

honestly, i probably would have lost my mind on the trip if it wasn't for a certain someone who started talking to me that week. we literally were texting each other from the time we'd wake up until the time we went to bed, which was pretty interesting considering the continuous differences between the time zone she was in and the 3 different once i kept hopping around. she really kept me centered.

which brings me to being back. this girl that i started talking to on the road and i decided we wanted to hang out. we went to a double feature at a drive in. i was so anxious to see her that i got there before the place even opened. i don't think i've felt so nervous about going on a date since like freshman year of high school. but so we met there. and... i don't know. it was really, really great. all the worries i had just kind of instantly disappeared. we're still talking all the time and we went out again a few days ago. i didn't want to go home. we went to dinner and a movie (the orphan= better than i'd expected), and after the movie was over we stood in the parking lot for at least an hour. seriously it becomes harder and harder to tear myself away from this girl every time i see her.

on the one hand, this all is really awesome. i really like her and pretty much everything about her. i'm feeling happy most of the time, which is way different from normal. i catch myself smiling when i think about her- which i can barely stop doing. she's fucking great. on the other hand, it's pretty complicated. we live pretty far apart, and it's an even greater distance when i'm down at school. being a college student and not having a steady job means i won't see her anywhere near as much as i'd like to since i don't have the time to drive or the money for gas. she is a few years older than me, but that seems to be bothering everyone else a lot more than it bothers me. i'm just worried that i'll fuck it up... cause i always fuck it up. let's look at anthony's track record with any girl i've ever been in a even moderately serious relationship with.

rachel: grade school girlfriend (yeah, i said it) on and off for like 8 years. obviously didn't mean anything really, but i kept going after her even as she cycled through my friends year after years.
christie: stupid hardcore crush, early high school. first REAL girlfriend. used me and ditched me.
alex: thought i was in love with her on and off for like 5 years. engaged to her for a month-she left me for another guy. i'm only scratching the surface of this one. years and years of torture.
ali: sweet girl, pretty serious relationship. broke up with her for shallow, non-sexual (underlined) reasons.
amy: also a sweet girl, also a pretty serious relationship. still good friends with her now. broke up with her for shallow, sexual reasons. aka she wouldn't. we can't all be good people all the time.
rachel: probably the 2nd most serious after alex. turned out she was just projecting herself to be who she thought i wanted her to be. figured it out after a few months and broke it off. she's currently dating one of my best friends and house mates. they been together since a week after we were dating.

those are probably the heaviest hitters. that's leaving out a lot of others though. the psychotics, the girl who left me for an other girl, the girl who left me for a gay guy, the girls who were too in love with themselves to actually care about me, the girls who took advantage of me on a regular basis after i discovered alcohol...

i mean, the list really does go on. the counts over 15. however, my continuous awkwardness, social depravity, and eccentric/ neurotic personality kept most of them pretty tame in the physical sense. in other words, i didn't lose my virginity til i was 18. that's my way of saying i'm not a whore.

but anyways, even the best of those have always managed to become really fucked up, and most of them i still think of as being my fault. maybe i'm a bad judge of character or am just too trusting. or even worse, maybe i've just always set myself up for failure by getting involved with the wrong girls. but this one is different. i'm really hoping i don't screw up. because i really like this girl, and i already know that i'm ready to deal with whatever complications or bumps along the way that might come up. i can't get her face out of my head...

and now that i've ranted for a bit, i suppose i should shut up. hope everyone's doing as well as i have been.

<3
ap