tonystheme

I feel sometimes that my brain fights with itself.

It's as if it wants to do one thing, but feels another and sometimes can't make up it's own mind on what the other 170lbs of itself should do. It's as if you had one of those toys, with appendages that seem to fly towards each other when you turn a crank, but skillfully it misses itself every time they move, except this time, the different parts do hit, gears grind and spark and the entire contraption falls into itself. It's like my inner thoughts are a piston in a motor that doesn't know if it should go, up or down, so tries to go to the side, thinking that both up and down are equally taken care of.

I wish sometimes I could make carbon copies of myself, give them to my friends to interact and play with. These copies don't have to speak or anything, they just have to be there. Then, the real me would be able to do what it wants and wouldn't feel as if it's missing out on doing what it really, truly wants to do. Maybe if that was the case, the real me would know what exactly what this thing it wants to truly do is and I would be able to fit comfortable into that place.