tonkakatt

I have problems, serious problems. I'm consumed with the urge to commit suicide. I seem to think about it constantly lately. the different wasys I could do it. I have access to guns (although I don't own one myself) I could cut myslef till I bleed to death. I could have an "accident" in my car. (thats my favorite). then there's pills or various other substances.

I keep having these spontanious crying spells, or periods of sadness. I can't take it anymore. nothing seems to cheer me up. I don't have anything to motivate me to keep living. I've always had something that keeps me sane...or going.... my will and drive to live.

I feel so empty.

alienated

compeletly seperate from everything else.

did I mention the jumping off a bridge...yeah nothing with water under it....a nice long fall onto something hard and unforgiving.

I had a stranger at the club come up to me tonight and tell me I looked so sad. I didn't know her. she kept telling me to smile and dance and have fun. she was so drunk and sweet. even impared she could tell I was miserable.
then I dance with a nice (and horny) Brazillian guy who barely spoke a syllable of English. except to say I was beautiful. I know he was only looking for a hook up. he had a nice smile and laugh and held me so close it felt nice.


so here I am still alive. hurting inside...a numb pain like none other. a pain that you know is there...it should hurt worse...differently somehow, but instead its numbing. begging me to do something severe to bring it out. I think I need to pierce or tattoo myself....and soon, just to feel pain externally. and know I still alive. before I die.