tomosnemesis

it's too early to be awake, but i am. i haven't been asleep all night and i doubt i sleep until tonight. and i guess i need to talk. i feel sorry for myself for some perverse reason. i'm sorry that i truly have very little feeling, and what i do with that small amount of affection is always foolish and stupid. i've never been able to love the right people, i always pick the dead ringers who will obliterate what little hope i have that maybe my sentiments will someday be returned in at least a fraction of what i expend. my childhood was spent completely dependent on my mother, as a childhood should be, except for the clause that required that i take more care of her than she did of me. and when she died so did everything that i knew and held as concrete in my little world. and i'm not sure that i've ever recovered. i figured out then, barely above double digits in age, that to love was to lose and that i was a very poor loser. so i isolated myself from everyone indescriminately, which saved my life i'm sure but also continued to hollow me out until i completely broke down. at that lowest of low times i was given a little hope. i had a small fleeting reason to believe in love, teenage and superficial as i look back and see that it was. and once again my hands were burned and i was left alone to fend for myself emotionally, and i chose to fend for myself physically as well. there is no such thing as a dependable person. people will always fail at least once, usually many times. but i let my optimism get the best of me and once again i was given the chance to love. but this time i destroyed it completely and of my own free will. and now i am alone, and i believe destined to stay that way. i never saw myself living very long into my twenties due to my constant tumultuous circumstances and manic fits of emotion. i don't really see a reason to live. but i'm here and unless some freak happenstance of grace changes that, i'm staying. and i'm absolutely miserable. i'm sorry for pouring this out, but you don't care, and i needed a blank page to talk to. i'm sorry for any difficulty i've ever caused you or your life. in fact i'm probably sorry that we ever met, but a lesson i know well is that things can't be changed, even though regret can change me.