tommytwotone

you may ask how does this man deal with he's pain well some times he doesnt do so well I used to be a workaholic and I was always doing something never sitting stil even now I have the feeling that I am worthless even with Pammy I want to do so much for her but cant she would leave and goto work on some days and me not even being able to leave the bed without help to goto the bathroom

some day's are harder than others it's just a feeling of worthlesnes I feel alot not somuch today or I wouldnt even be able tp write about it
this week I was telling someone about how much trouble Jesse was having last year with his sleeping and I said if we have the same problem this year I might have to home school him but its not fare for him becouse he needs the interaction with other children they tell me about all the programs that I can get him involved with they dont realize it was killing me to be out that day to take him to te Dr how am I going to get him to all of these after school programs it makes me feel like I am just not worth the air I breath I used to make good money no lie I have made and spent my million already now I am on assestance until I can goto court for my social security this december will mark my three year anniverasary not working and the thing is it will never get better only worse one day I will be in a chair for the rest of my life I have been oferd one allready I just know once I get in one I wont get out I have known about this for 15 years I was told by two Dr. by the time I would be 40 I would be in a chair so much for not beleaving I can tell you that if it wasnt for my kids I would already be gone and now I have Pammy she is so good to me only the lord knows why and I hide alot of my feelings prety good but some days it just brings me way down when I think I have ran for my last time in my life and so on and so on in my past I have climbed mountains jumped off cliffs ride motorcicles swam so much stuff I will never do again and now I cant even do my own yard work I used to love my yard and now trees and plants are dieing becouse I cant take care of them its just a downer when you think of all the stuff you love to do but cant its 4 in the afternoon I have done almost nothing all day and its already feels like the day should be over such a long day well thats enough of me complaning about nothing that can be done just life I guess its not much but its all I got
what does this wonderful woman see in me I will never know
I just got back from the Dr.today with the results of what seems like my by yearly MRI results 7 thats the number of discs I have that are screwed up for the rest of my life thats two more than the last test and the even better news is that since my back is in such a degenerated state that surgery doesnt seem like its going to be an option for if we did do surgery its to big of a chance to make things worse and if it even does help there is a even biger chance that the pain will be back in a year or two its just so hard to think that I am only 36 and will have to spend the rest of my life in agany so much pain through out this is not a life to live