tommyrocket

it might be something that just developed over this past year but i get really irritated whenever i think i might be developing feelings for someone. my outlook has turned that bleak.

i've basically come to the conclusion that i'm a total screwup and feel like i'll probably eradicate multiple friendships that i've forged just because i want to stick my tongue in someone's mouth. the fact that having a crush on someone isn't something i can control makes me really pissed off at myself. emotions! GARRGH! i either can't focus on my work, am doing all this self deprecating bullshit second guessing myself or something else retarded...like writing things like this.

i think the last real date [what makes a date? making out? i don't even know, but lets say that's what it is assuming everything else is just "hanging out" for the sake of argument.] i went on must have been in like july or early august. that girl wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went, and it was driving me nuts. eventually i caved, and got used to the prospect. maybe i don't like to be claimed? or maybe i'm just a jerk. paranoid?

i used to do nice things for people but i feel like i always end up doing something to make someone detest me or because i'm nice they could give two shits so i've been starting to feel apathy set in...well not apathy, the compulsion is still there, i think there's just a fear of that implosion.

sometimes i envy people who can just have sex with whomever without getting involved, get bad tattoos without thinking twice, and not worry about "getting better at drawing" or some bs like that that rules my existence. here i am; sexless, tattooless, and driven to get better at drawing...which is no overnight ordeal either. i really wish my emotions didn't rule me as much as they do sometimes....or maybe they need to more? maybe it's anxiety that's buggin me out.

maybe as i approach 27 i'm having a sliiiight existential crisis? i stopped looking for animatrion freelance this week and started work as the vespa pickup/van driver for mccarren motors/vespa soho.

i don't know what the fuck i'm doing anymore.

but i'm still drawing. the prospect of love might make me angry at myself or frightened but i'm not giving up at trying to have fun. i'm sure one of these days i'll have an experience that sort of flows and feels natural again, but while i'm spending so much time trapped in my own thoughts i really let things get carried away. "oh i'm broke" "oh that would make this mutual friend upset" "oh i don't want to end up losing a friend" "oh i should probably spend more time working" "oh man is she mad?" "oh, i bet i said something stupid."...and none of this has anything to do with sex. don't even get me started there.

what am i even talking about?

if you read this i apologize i just needed the word vomit. i'll probably draw something that makes more sense soon.