drove out into the freezing blackness the other night and saw alone Never Let Me Go. Went with no idea what I was going to see, just felt like seeing a film and as most of the time when in this mood headed to the the art cinema. asked the ticket girl what it was and she hadn't seen it yet but said it was a boarding school story but not a horror film, she said. but it was!! even worse it was a true fucking nightmare of a movie!
and yet it was interesting enough that i couldn't walk out. just sat there with my coffee, twizzlers and big red watching. you know those movies when you know you are going to be effected and that it will be with you awhile? not the kind of sadness were your eyes water a little (that alive warm feeling) but the brutal deep kind where it takes awhile to understand the nature of what you are feeling. you know it only as deep feeling of abstracted pain.
so figuring out what it was about was on my mind in a strong but denial laced way. and as i headed out i told the ticket girl how that depressing shit was a horror film! avoid it. its shit etc. then went and had a beer and complained some more and was depressed feeling and no fun. so went home to be d but couldnt sleep and don't really drink but usually have something in the house but found nothing--not even nyquil. and i would have taken some listereen if there was any. you know that awful insomnia when you can't disengage your mind? and my futon was feeling so unkind and all the down of my comforter all lumped all over in the wrong places. tried masturbation of course but couldn't even make that go anywhere. you know when you try and then stop because the lonely wave of feeling is the kind you know will be heading your way and is too big a distraction. you know the orgasm would be desultery (would suck--maybe even feel painful).
the thing is, it was a REALLY GOOD film. and now several days later i can't say exactly that it was anything more than yet another reminder of what a big fucking confidence game life really is. and what kind of new news is that! for anyone over 15. but, trust me, it was so raw and poignant. it has returned to the front of my mind a bunch of times and some how i have been feeling better. so i would say see it! we all have to love each other. we do. all of us.
only thing i am tempted to leave out is that 3am or so the night i saw it got text from the girl i love! it was so so so f. sweet!! i finally slept. so i guess i am adding this last part so if you are feeling lonely and you head out to this film on your own--reach out to some one you care about after it is over--or hope hard for that unexpected so so welcome gesture of love. you will need it. PEACE.
and yet it was interesting enough that i couldn't walk out. just sat there with my coffee, twizzlers and big red watching. you know those movies when you know you are going to be effected and that it will be with you awhile? not the kind of sadness were your eyes water a little (that alive warm feeling) but the brutal deep kind where it takes awhile to understand the nature of what you are feeling. you know it only as deep feeling of abstracted pain.
so figuring out what it was about was on my mind in a strong but denial laced way. and as i headed out i told the ticket girl how that depressing shit was a horror film! avoid it. its shit etc. then went and had a beer and complained some more and was depressed feeling and no fun. so went home to be d but couldnt sleep and don't really drink but usually have something in the house but found nothing--not even nyquil. and i would have taken some listereen if there was any. you know that awful insomnia when you can't disengage your mind? and my futon was feeling so unkind and all the down of my comforter all lumped all over in the wrong places. tried masturbation of course but couldn't even make that go anywhere. you know when you try and then stop because the lonely wave of feeling is the kind you know will be heading your way and is too big a distraction. you know the orgasm would be desultery (would suck--maybe even feel painful).
the thing is, it was a REALLY GOOD film. and now several days later i can't say exactly that it was anything more than yet another reminder of what a big fucking confidence game life really is. and what kind of new news is that! for anyone over 15. but, trust me, it was so raw and poignant. it has returned to the front of my mind a bunch of times and some how i have been feeling better. so i would say see it! we all have to love each other. we do. all of us.
only thing i am tempted to leave out is that 3am or so the night i saw it got text from the girl i love! it was so so so f. sweet!! i finally slept. so i guess i am adding this last part so if you are feeling lonely and you head out to this film on your own--reach out to some one you care about after it is over--or hope hard for that unexpected so so welcome gesture of love. you will need it. PEACE.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
sylvan:
hello mr 
how are you doing?
how are you doing?
loretta:
No it's more of a three times a day thing. I'm just extra annoyed by it when it bothers my studying.