Its getting harder and harder to get out of bed every morning. Normally at least one aspect of my life, be it relationship, family, work, financial, academic, social, is going great while the rest suffer. But thats not the case anymore. Now everything is going down hill, with no signs of slowing and no end in sight. I found out whats lower then rock bottom, you can get worse.
A common question to be asked is "If you could change anything about yourself, would you and what?
I use to say, "I don't think I would change a thing, I kinda like who I am, even in the worst of moods." now though, its a bit clearer. Now I would say character flaws. I'm not ignorant or arrogant to think that they can be completely removed. Everyone has them and I don't want to live my life without one or two... but Id like to offer a deal, a swap.
I would gladly exchange my fear of rejection and fear of disappointment, the fear of rejection not just being "shes gonna say no" but the unavoidable knowledge that the best she is GOING to say is no and that the very idea that asking is simply a masochistic practice, for a Fear of Commitment. Here is my logic behind this, women in general tend to say they don't want a man who is afraid to commit. I call that nonsense, women SAY they want that, but prove through actions that those men are in fact exactly what they are attracted too, and often blindly glue themselves to despite the amount of times the man backs away, cheats or simply disassociates. Thus, If I could acquire that trait perhaps I would be one step closer to not being where I am today.
I can't win. I'm convincing myself more and more each day that I'm not meant to be happy, I'm in fact meant to be alone. I get silly crushes on girls FAR to out of my league, and then kid myself into thinking that they even notice me beyond the simple conversation. Seriously, who wants a 26 year old fiercely loyal, honest, over weight, under paid, Nerd who's interests include table top and video gaming, Star Wars, Martial arts and Samurai films, Punk Rock Music, ethnic food and Social Reform and deviation. Add in that hes got a 2 year old disabled daughter who he only gets to see on the weekends.
I'm the male equivalent of 'damaged goods'. I hate being so damn negative about myself, I know it doesn't help my situation, no one wants an emo kid. But, what does it matter, I cant hold a conversation with anyone long enough for them to accept me anyway, hell I can't even get people to notice me unless I'm being intimidating or there is nothing else of interest around. I don't ever know what to talk about beyond "How are you today" or interjecting in a conversation they are already having. I have such a vast amount of knowledge about things people have no interest in and even if they do, more often then not I quickly bore them or prove to nerdy for them to want to continue. I talk to much to avoid the silence, and even though when they talk i sit and listen and often remember the conversation even days and weeks later, often I end up simply being the guy who helps with relationships, both romantic and non.
I often feel like the only thing I'm good for is being an giver of advice, or for the occasional moral boost when a girl is feeling down and depressed. I can get them to laugh or at the least smile but that gains no positive points for me, other then in that "friend" category which I'm placed in usually within the first five minutes of a conversation.
A common question to be asked is "If you could change anything about yourself, would you and what?
I use to say, "I don't think I would change a thing, I kinda like who I am, even in the worst of moods." now though, its a bit clearer. Now I would say character flaws. I'm not ignorant or arrogant to think that they can be completely removed. Everyone has them and I don't want to live my life without one or two... but Id like to offer a deal, a swap.
I would gladly exchange my fear of rejection and fear of disappointment, the fear of rejection not just being "shes gonna say no" but the unavoidable knowledge that the best she is GOING to say is no and that the very idea that asking is simply a masochistic practice, for a Fear of Commitment. Here is my logic behind this, women in general tend to say they don't want a man who is afraid to commit. I call that nonsense, women SAY they want that, but prove through actions that those men are in fact exactly what they are attracted too, and often blindly glue themselves to despite the amount of times the man backs away, cheats or simply disassociates. Thus, If I could acquire that trait perhaps I would be one step closer to not being where I am today.
I can't win. I'm convincing myself more and more each day that I'm not meant to be happy, I'm in fact meant to be alone. I get silly crushes on girls FAR to out of my league, and then kid myself into thinking that they even notice me beyond the simple conversation. Seriously, who wants a 26 year old fiercely loyal, honest, over weight, under paid, Nerd who's interests include table top and video gaming, Star Wars, Martial arts and Samurai films, Punk Rock Music, ethnic food and Social Reform and deviation. Add in that hes got a 2 year old disabled daughter who he only gets to see on the weekends.
I'm the male equivalent of 'damaged goods'. I hate being so damn negative about myself, I know it doesn't help my situation, no one wants an emo kid. But, what does it matter, I cant hold a conversation with anyone long enough for them to accept me anyway, hell I can't even get people to notice me unless I'm being intimidating or there is nothing else of interest around. I don't ever know what to talk about beyond "How are you today" or interjecting in a conversation they are already having. I have such a vast amount of knowledge about things people have no interest in and even if they do, more often then not I quickly bore them or prove to nerdy for them to want to continue. I talk to much to avoid the silence, and even though when they talk i sit and listen and often remember the conversation even days and weeks later, often I end up simply being the guy who helps with relationships, both romantic and non.
I often feel like the only thing I'm good for is being an giver of advice, or for the occasional moral boost when a girl is feeling down and depressed. I can get them to laugh or at the least smile but that gains no positive points for me, other then in that "friend" category which I'm placed in usually within the first five minutes of a conversation.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Hold Fast! The storm may be upon you. However, you need to remember that as easily or slowly as a storm starts, it cna end the same. Everything must come to an end at some point. Even those rough patches of life.
Cheers,
-Lucky