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I have spent a good majority of my life alone. And up until today I never knew the true meaning of lonely.

Its always been the classic "no girl, longing for the cuddle" stuff, toped off with the ever emo feelings of "I have people around me, but no one understands me I'm alone.". But none of that matters. All of those feelings and thoughts pale in comparison to true loneliness. I don't long for a girlfriend, to be honest I cant fucking stand women. I'm never good enough, nor will I ever be good enough. I'll ALWAYS fuck up, and BE a fuck-up. I will never be the perfect man no matter how hard I try. Don't get me wrong, I still miss the compassion, the closeness the cuddling all of that, but I know I can live without it. I don't feel isolated amongst friends. I have fun with my friends, when I see and hang out with them. How is that lonely then? Easy, Its all fake, them, me, the smiles, the games, the fun its all fake. I'm not bitter, I don't care its fine. It's how life is. I've been doing it since I was born, Everyone has. And Everyone dose it till they die. But what the loneliness is...that feeling of TRUE emptiness is hope. I realize that the empty pit in my stomach, its not because I don't have friends. Its not because I don't have a girl. Its there because I don't have ANYTHING, and I don't WANT anything. I have to get use to it. Not to the loneliness but to the knowledge that it exists. And it was so painful at work, every time I saw a couple I saw myself with the girl and every time I saw a fight I saw myself arguing with someone. An old schoolmates older brother came through my line to buy flowers for his girl cause e fucked up...and It was me buying those flowers. The child who refused to let go of the cart, wanted candy and decided that the cart wasn't going to move until he got it, it was me, and his father who pulled the cart forward and tried to entice him with nothing more then false enthusiasm saying "come get daddy champ..." He was me too. And none of it, not a single one did I WANT.

So now I sit here, in my room alone and watch a person I care about try to rationalize their feelings and explain them in a manor that they hope will not hurt me and all I can think is....I don't care, I don't want this, I don't want you, I don't want to be without you...I just need to learn to be OK with being alone...