Sometimes I feel like I’m regressing in a mental sense. I’ve always had self-esteem issues, but the last couple of years it’s been on par with when I was a teenager. 5-6 years ago, I was generally happy with my life and the way things were going. Little things still bothered me sometimes, but not as much as they do now. My state of physical fitness probably helped things, as being in good physical shape usually helps your mental state. But even if I was still in the same shape as I was then, I would still have some of those same negative feelings. You can do things to change your physical appearance, which can definitely help self-esteem, but there are some things you can never change (like how short I am, for example).
It isn’t solely physical appearance that causes my self esteem issues. I’ve had several unsuccessful relationships due to missed chances, my own hesitation, Western sociocultural mindsets that are embedded into my brain, or other reasons. I’m not making excuses - I should’ve been more assertive, or ignored the little voice of doubt in my head, or been more open to certain things. I’m also not blaming women for my problems - if they’re not into me, they’re not into me. Nor do I feel entitled to anything. Constant rejection wears on you, though, and definitely makes you feel like less of a person, no matter what some people say. I’m almost 30 years old, and I don’t even know if I’ve ever really loved someone. I can only think of one woman who I felt really strongly for - ironically, it was the one I spent the least time with. She’s the only one I’ve felt is “the one that got away”. I try not to beat myself up over it too much, but it’s very hard to stop doubts from resurfacing from time to time.
I know I should just throw off all these doubts about myself. Several of them are superficial, and probably even seem trite to others. (Good thing my friend Phil isn't reading this, he'd tell me to man up instead of lending an ear!) I know I should look at myself in the mirror every morning and tell myself "Damn, I am fine!" but that's a lot easier said than done.
One of the things I’ve thought about doing when I get my life somewhat in order again is getting some tattoos, maybe something symbolizing a new beginning. But I am too far ahead in life or too old to have a “new beginning”?
Maybe my friends are right and I should see a therapist. I’ve got quite a few issues. I could blame it on PTSD from the Army, on my mother's death when I was a child, my father's general absence or lack of upbringing during my teenage years (not really his fault), or whatever you can think of. Maybe all of those things have affected me more than I realize. (The PTSD I know for sure has.) But I am loathe to self-diagnose myself.
But can I believe that him or her can understand me? And will I even feel comfortable talking to him/her about everything?