I've never had the desire to have children. Marriage, I'm not opposed to it, but it's not my end game when I enter a relationship. I'm currently at a stage where all of my close friends are getting married and having children. That's always been the norm. You grow up, meet someone, fall in love, get married and reproduce. I've known since my youth that I didn't want children and I never thought much past that. I've had quite a few long term relationships in my life, but I never really felt like I wanted to marry any of them. Now, for the first time in a really really long time, I have been single for almost an entire year. I'm starting to fall further away from the notion of meeting one singular person to tie myself to for the rest of my life.
In a way, I have known that last part for awhile. I am a polygamist. I've tried closed relationships, and I have never cheated, but they do not work for me. I absolutely believe that you can give your heart and soul to one person and still have a desire to give your body to someone else. And that in no way lessens the love you share with your partner. But that is a blog for another time. When I say tying myself to one person, I mean that in a much deeper way than merely sexually.
Now I find myself in this place where I'm asking 'what is the path I want for my life?' The get married, have children plan is about the only one we're ever presented with. We are told the other option is to live a lonely life of solitude. Or bury yourself in your career. I guess the later is the most appealing to me, as after years and years of having no clue what I really wanted to do, I am finally on a career path that I love. But life is about so much more than work.
I know some of this inner reflection is due to being in the midst of my Saturn's return, and having a birthday in exactly one month beckons yearly reflection. But I would be a fool to deny that saying goodbye to a lover hasn't kicked started some of it as well. He works in Atlanta 7 months out of the year, and that seven months has just ended. We met last year during his last week in Atlanta, and kept in touch until this year. He travels a lot, so whenever he was here we would hang out. Our relationship is what it is, and will not go any further than it has so far for reason to complicated to get into here. We spent more time together this year, and grew a lot closer. Saying goodbye wasn't hard, but it wasn't exactly easy either.
I found myself going on dates for the first time in a long time this summer. I'm a super honest person, if I'm going to go on multiple dates with you, I want you to know this is not an exclusive thing, and that long run I can't do monogamy. It becomes tiring to have to have this conversation again and again. For example, I went out with a fellow a handful of times, we agreed it would be casual and I told him I keep a pretty active social life, work a lot, and don't feel beholden to my phone. He claimed this was fine and that he understood, but if I didn't return a text message quickly he would flip. So that ended pretty quickly.
In terms of my love life, I don't know what form my ideal relationship would take(other than just having it involve Jeff Goldblum), but I know it would involve space and honesty. The unconventional thing I have with the traveler fits my wants right now, but I know that wont last.
So, what is the path I want for life? I want to do the things I love, and love the people around me until the day I die. For now I think I'll just start there.
Also, most sincerest of thank you's to everyone that has loved and commented on MY NEWEST SET 'LIGHT MY FIRE'! You guys are the bees knees and all your niceness helps fuel my drive to shoot and create more! Much love!!
