WonkaVision
Jesus
I hate myself for what Im about to do
But I feel that I must
It is my duty
I must share all I have learned
I may never have a son
I have to pass on the wisdom I that have obtained to someone
I have chosen to impart said wisdom to you
Perhaps though I am too late
Lord knows enough of you tried to warm me
Subtle opinions laced with buts and if onlys
Indifferent reactions
And flat out pleas to avoid at all costs
Of course I didnt listen
When do I ever?
And in this situation, how could I?
I supported it
I talked it up
Shared information
Regardless of its significance
Rumors
Teasers
One-sheets
Street dates
Trailers
I was behind the film totally
How could I not be?
Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Willy Wonka
And candy
Mmmmmm candy
Rivers of chocolate
Edible grass
Gobstoppers (Everlasting or otherwise)
And its based on a book that was also the basis for one of my favorite movies ever
One that I still watch regularly
I still smile when Charlie finds his golden ticket
I want to be next to Augustus on the river bank
I want to try that gum with Violet but spit it out before the desert
I still hate Gene Wilder when he yells at Charlie
I still secretly want Charlie to imbed that Everlasting Gobstopper in Wonkas head after he yells at him in the office
Will I be able to watch it again without being reminded of the train wreck I witnessed on the screen?
How long will it take to get this sour taste out of mouth?
A gray faced Johnny Depp talking like a five year old and looking a little too much like a zombie Michael Jackson
The backstory about a dentist father
That must have taken all of 18 seconds to come up with
Those Oompa Loompas
Those fucking songs
I'm begging you
Please don't watch this movie
I know Im not alone in my opinions
You wouldnt know it by the hootin and hollerin in the theater last night
You might have thought the Indiana Jones just rescued all those kids from Mola Ram
You might have thought that Sonny just beat and kicked Carlo the length of a city block before leaving him in the street
You might have thought that Gollum just sank in the lava in Mount Doom
But no
That wasnt it
The Buckets and Wonka were sitting down to dinner
An ending?
Sure
Not a good one unless of course you consider that it brought the torture to an end
And so
You failed
You couldnt even make a watchable movie
You couldnt even make a movie that could keep me awake
You did however, remind me of best reactions to the original movie that I had ever read. I found it on a website when this movie was first announced: If my lazy fucking workshy grandad spent decades in bed, allowing my family to descend into crippling poverty only to rise unaided and start dancing a jig at the prospect of visiting a chocolate factory Id smash his wrinkly, malingering face in.
So thats what I thought about while I watched your movie
The only thing that kept me in the theater was the air conditioning
Im going to try and watch the original this weekend
If I cant watch it now I will never forgive you
Jesus
I hate myself for what Im about to do
But I feel that I must
It is my duty
I must share all I have learned
I may never have a son
I have to pass on the wisdom I that have obtained to someone
I have chosen to impart said wisdom to you
Perhaps though I am too late
Lord knows enough of you tried to warm me
Subtle opinions laced with buts and if onlys
Indifferent reactions
And flat out pleas to avoid at all costs
Of course I didnt listen
When do I ever?
And in this situation, how could I?
I supported it
I talked it up
Shared information
Regardless of its significance
Rumors
Teasers
One-sheets
Street dates
Trailers
I was behind the film totally
How could I not be?
Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Willy Wonka
And candy
Mmmmmm candy
Rivers of chocolate
Edible grass
Gobstoppers (Everlasting or otherwise)
And its based on a book that was also the basis for one of my favorite movies ever
One that I still watch regularly
I still smile when Charlie finds his golden ticket
I want to be next to Augustus on the river bank
I want to try that gum with Violet but spit it out before the desert
I still hate Gene Wilder when he yells at Charlie
I still secretly want Charlie to imbed that Everlasting Gobstopper in Wonkas head after he yells at him in the office
Will I be able to watch it again without being reminded of the train wreck I witnessed on the screen?
How long will it take to get this sour taste out of mouth?
A gray faced Johnny Depp talking like a five year old and looking a little too much like a zombie Michael Jackson
The backstory about a dentist father
That must have taken all of 18 seconds to come up with
Those Oompa Loompas
Those fucking songs
I'm begging you
Please don't watch this movie
I know Im not alone in my opinions
You wouldnt know it by the hootin and hollerin in the theater last night
You might have thought the Indiana Jones just rescued all those kids from Mola Ram
You might have thought that Sonny just beat and kicked Carlo the length of a city block before leaving him in the street
You might have thought that Gollum just sank in the lava in Mount Doom
But no
That wasnt it
The Buckets and Wonka were sitting down to dinner
An ending?
Sure
Not a good one unless of course you consider that it brought the torture to an end
And so
You failed
You couldnt even make a watchable movie
You couldnt even make a movie that could keep me awake
You did however, remind me of best reactions to the original movie that I had ever read. I found it on a website when this movie was first announced: If my lazy fucking workshy grandad spent decades in bed, allowing my family to descend into crippling poverty only to rise unaided and start dancing a jig at the prospect of visiting a chocolate factory Id smash his wrinkly, malingering face in.
So thats what I thought about while I watched your movie
The only thing that kept me in the theater was the air conditioning
Im going to try and watch the original this weekend
If I cant watch it now I will never forgive you
and you forgot to mention those stupid squirrles...
we DO have a puppy and his name is sandwich, you have throwinganchor to thank for that