tinysharks

It's Just Not the Same

from Christmas night

At one point this evening my cousin turned to me and said, "It's just not the same anymore."
Christmas that is
Too many people are missing
Dead or otherwise
It just doesn't feel the same anymore
And to get through without a breakdown, I drank
Maybe it's because we're not 8 years old anymore (or in my case 21) and psyched out of our minds because Santa was just here and we have a week off from school to enjoy whatever he left for us
I'm actually at the point where I get embarrassed receiving anything
My grandmother called all of her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren down to her room tonight for our Christmas gifts and I didn't go
Which is fine I guess
I'd only waste what she would hand me
"Buy yourself something nice," she would say
"I'm spending this in the bar or on more tattoos, grandma." I'd be kidding but not really

I guess holidays have become more about having days off from work
Honestly
They become more of a measure of time
A milestone from one year to the next
What have I done since last Christmas?
As I get older they also become a reminder of who isn't around anymore
And that makes them even harder to get through
I told my brother tonight that I didn't want to do this anymore
The holidays
It's nice to see my family
But I'm not really celebrating
Most times I don't think it's right if I do