Whenever people ask how i am, i compulsively say "tired".

The thing about being constantly distracted is that you never get anything done. When you never get anything done it feels much like being tired.

Hard to explain really.

I achieved nothing this weekend. I didn't see anyone.

My plan on Saturday was to go out and fieldtest the new camera. My plans always fall apart at 11am on Saturday mornings. Right now it honestly feels like every single friend i have has disappeared.

I like to feel that i'm valued by the people i care about. Sometimes it's the most important thing. I know it's selfish, it's put me in a lot of trouble in the past. I would apologise for it, but who can help the person they are?

I met a girl a while ago, although i knew nothing would ever happen, i did really enjoy spending time with her. Problem was, being an attractive girl she had a lot of friends. I got the impression that she was in the habit of just making people feel like the most important person in the world, till she had someone else to talk to.

So i'm searching again.

It's not often i type with leading case, My shift key looks surprised. You can tell i'm not really with it today.

I'm trying to plan the photoshoots i want to do for halloween. One thing i'd love to do is to get the back room in a rock club, and shoot portraits of the people who are passing though. Won't happen. But i might do some small scale shoots with friends i know.

I've got this one idea for a Labyrinth. Another for a Ghost In The Shell shoot. I still want to do my Alternative Alice shoot.

I've been emailing Walter, who runs Mola Light. He makes Beauty Dishes. Might be able to get one soon. Would you believe they cost $170 just for shipping? I recommended some retailers in the UK who he's going to try to convince to carry the dishes, and apparently he's dealing with a distributor in Belgium. If they put in an order i'll get one soon. Otherwise, i think an octabox is in order. Annoyingly, they're 350. Plus 100 for a cine stand, plus 80 for a boom. Woo.

I'm lying in bed, wishing i had pizza. Pizza in bed, heh.

I hate my avatar. I don't like being in front of the camera though. There's only ever been one good photo of me, and it's... a different life i suppose. Makes me smile to think about it. But makes me hate myself just that tiny bit more.

I stuck some prozac post it notes up in random places with funny things written on them. Fun.

I was standing in a bus stop today, and the graffiti made me laugh. It was funny for reasons i won't bother explaining, suffice it to say it was easy to interpret as a running joke i have with a friend.

The following is evidence of how much of a fool i can be.

I looked at the graffiti and thought
"i wish i could photograph that".

a little voice said
"you're a photographer".

so i thought
"i wish i had a camera".

little voice said
"you just spent a tonne of cash on the smallest dslr on the market, so you'd always have one in your pocket, infact it's in your pocket right now".

so i got it out and took some photos

then thought
"wish i could send these to shaun".

little voice
"well you could always get out your CAMERA PHONE".

duh.

i don't really have a little voice by the way. sometimes it just seems like i do.

my caps have disappeared. good.