tinfoilhalo

[ PROLOGUE : Okay , a few things before I get into this particular journal . Firstly , it requires reader participation . I need you all to read this journal in an Australian accent ala' The Crocodile Hunter , Steve Irwin . Now , for the sequences that are in quotation marks , read those in a THICK Pittsburgh accent . If you do not know what that sounds like you may also read it in a THICK Scottish or Hindu accent . These have been clinically tested to make pretty much ANYTHING sound funnier . Please just try to cooperate . It will make for a far more enjoyable read . Thanks . ]

Today on URBAN SAFARI we will be looking for the North American White Trashed Fuckwit . They're a peculiar and sometimes aggressive creature that can be found in Wal-Marts , redneck bars , and NASCAR stadiums to name but a few of their favorite locales . They are a fairly common creature whose habitat stretches across the whole United States and into parts of Canada .

Now , I'll be travelling to The local Wal-Mart to try to view these myserious creatures in their natural environment . In order to do so , I have to wear a form of camoflauge . I need to blend in with the Fuckwits so as not to disturb them . They are normally quite stupid and slow to attack , but in this particular place when there are a large number of Fuckwits about , there could be trouble . I'm wearing a pair of cut-off blue jean shorts , a white WIFE-BEATER T-shirt with beer and tobacco juice stains on it , a NASCAR #3 Dale Earnhart trucker hat , and a pair of sandals with socks . This SHOULD allow me to move amongst the Fuckwits with ease . Here we go...As I walk in , I immediately know I'm in trouble . There's a large number of Fuckwits of many differing species all congregating in a small area known as the EXPRESS CHECK-OUT . This is the equivalent of several different types of animals crowding around the last pool of water on the Serengetti plains . There's bound to be conflict . Oh Here we go...it seems an Asian Coupon Counting Fuckwit is holding up the line , and it's causing a Beer-Bellied Tobacco Spitter to go into a territorial display . Listen carefully and you can here the threat noises it's making . " Oh , for Chris'sakes hurry it up , I'm gonna' miss Judge Judy!!!! " Wait...It now appears that the Asian Coupon Counting Fuckwit is ignoring the Beer-Bellied Tobacco Spitter's threat display , and is paying for her purchase with CHANGE . This provokes a more assertive display from the Tobacco Spitter ..." OH COME ON!!!! It's the EXPRESS lane godammit!!!! Alls I got is a can of chew an'a pack of Lil' Debbies here!!!! I coulda' rang myself up by now!!!! " The Asian Coupon Counter now sees the Tobacco Spitter and grabs her purchases and flees . The Beer-Bellied Tobacco Spitter has won his turn at the checkout lane .

The commotion from the Beer-Bellied Tobacco Spitter has drawn a pack of White Trashed Welfare Cheats to the Express lane . The Welfare Cheat is a close realtive of the North American White Trashed Fuckwit , but they are slightly more cunning . They have developed a brilliant method of faking injury to get the government to pay them money that they haven't earned . This allows them to spend all day lounging around the Wal-Mart instead of working . A perfect example of nature in all of her twisted glory .

It's getting a little too crowded over here and there may be another confrontation , so I'm going to have to move on...for safety's sake . Join me next time for the continuation of my report of the North American White Trashed Fuckwit . Goodnight everybody .