tinfoilhalo

I think I have found my true calling . I'm going to start a martial arts dojo in which I will instruct people in a form of martial arts that I have created . It is a powerful fighting style that I have adapted from the teachings of the three human beings who were not only able to deal out swift and crippling attacks to their adversaries , but who could also withstand phenomenal ammounts of physical injury without being incapacitated . I am speaking , of course , of The Three Stooges . My fighting style is called Stooge-istu , and is a style that I feel can compete with just about any of the other "more traditional" Asian schools of martial arts .

Stooge-itsu is an easy to learn and easy to use fighting style which is built on the three fundamental Stooge teachings . Moe style - A series of moves and maneuvers which consist mainly of fast aggresive attacks and massive psychological sabotage . Curly style - A form of physical and mental conditioning which can render a human being nearly invulnerable to injuries that would kill ordinary people . Larry style - A form of meditation and mental discipline which , when used correctly , can enable the warrior to avoid the need for both attack or defense . Moron Warrior is the first level of training . It wil teach the basics of all three forms and prepare the student for the more grueling studies ahead . Numbskull Warrior is the second level of training , and teaches more advanced techniques . The third , and final , level is the esteemed and respected Knucklehead Warrior . At the end of this level a fully trained Knucklehead can , for instance , walk into a room full of six angry steroid using ninjas and incapacitate the first two attackers in less than two seconds with the DOUBLE TWO PRONGED SPEAR eye gouge attack , suffocate the next attacker with the SCORPION CLAW nose clutch and downward strike attack , withstand the fourth ninja's Dim Mak "Death Touch" strike , and counter with a crippling HAMMER FIST cranium punch . Snap the neck of the fifth ninja with a brutal TIGER'S PAW face slap , and finally accept the ninja Do sword strike of the last ninja on the top of their head and bend the blade of the sword as if it were nothing . While the stunned ninja stares in confusion at his bent sword , the Knucklehead Warrior will finish him with SPINNING SLEDGE O' DOOM fist slap and spinning overhead skull crush . This entire set of attack and defense maneuvers should take less than ten seconds .

For those students who wish to stay on and continue their training , there is one final level that seldom accheive . The level of...GRAND BASTARD . A GRAND BASTARD can destroy an entire ballroom full of surly drunken longshoremen with a tray full of cream puffs!!! A GRAND BASTARD can be shot out of a cannon into the side of a building , topple the building , and walk out unscathed!!! A GRAND BASTARD can take on a full regiment of Nazi troops and leave them beaten , demeaned , and crying like little girls !!! Yes , the power of the GRAND BASTARD is truly formidable . Imagine what YOU could do with the combined fighting skills of ALL THREE STOOGES ( Shemp and Joe don't count in MY school ) . So I ask you all , who among you will step forward and accept the long and arduous path of the STOOGE-ITSU fighter ? I am now accepting students in my Pittsburgh, PA dojo . Soon there will be a STOOGE-ITSU training center near you . Embrace the way of the Stooge and become a better person . ***GONNNNNG!!!!!***