It is common knowledge that I absolutely LOVE all things midget related . It's always been a dream of mine to own my own free range midget ranch . You know , raise the little buggers and send them off to various places where they can be of use to society . They're VERY intelligent creatures and can be trained to do a number of amazing things . Seeing eye midgets , bomb sniffing midgets , the list goes on and on . I've even hypothesized that if one were able to build a big enough "excersise wheel" and put enough midgets on that wheel it could power a small country for over a year before the midgets burned out and needed to be replaced . They're the wave of the future I tell you . 
The reason I bring this up is that another co-worker and myself got onto the subject of midgets for some reason today . I told him my plans to have a secret fortress in the jungle somewhere and create an army of cybernetic SUPER MIDGETS!!!! It was originally going to be cyborg monkeys , but they're much harder to control and if you ever get hit by feces flung by a cyborg monkey you'll know the true meaning of the word pain ( And also the meaning of the word "Poojectile" . I actually made that word up , but it's a fitting word considering the topic we're on ) . But I digress . Imagine if you will an army of midgets with rocket packs and chainsaws for hands . With a simple "Fly my pretties!!!!" they would deploy and swarm over anyone who opposed me . Now one on one a midget , even one with a jet pack and chainsaw hands , would find it difficult to take down a full grown enemy . It's just a matter of reach . That is why I've been working on a special form of midget oriented martial arts . It is a form of Ninjutsu aimed at wee folk . Once they have completed their training they will be fully functioning Midget Ninjas , or Minjas as I like to call them . The fighting style is quite simple , but extremely effective . One midget leads the charge with wide eyes and flailing arms wailing like a miniature banshee . The opponent becomes so distracted by the bizarre scene that he fails to notice the five or six other Minjas surrounding him . They then all converge on the hapless foe and engulf him in a wave of tiny fists and feet until he is either unconscious or dead . Midgets are pack hunters by nature and will continue to assault a target until it stops moving . Once I have an army of these tiny terrors at my command , NOBODY could stand against me .
So I wondered "Where could I find that many midgets ?" My friend then proceeded to tell me a story so fantastical that it boggled my very mind . He's like "Have you ever heard of the Midget Village ? " To which I replied in an awe struck voice "NO ." My first question was obvious , and would probably be the first thing any of you would ask too . "Is the Midget Village like the Smurf Village . You know , with little houses made out of mushrooms ? " The answer was "NO" . It's apparently a community of midgets living in tiny litle midget houses somewhere near the area where our store is located . I thought it sounded like some magical "Brigadoon" type village that materializes once every so many years and then vanishes again so that nobody could ever find it and plunder its midget secrets . Supposedly this person's friend has been to the wondrous land of the tiny people though . I'll believe it when I see it though . And , by God , I WILL see it if it exists . I'll not rest until I do . IF it does exist , and I can convince the midgets that I only wish to help advance their wise and ancient society , I will have gained a powerful , albeit diminuitive , ally . THEN...it's on .
As an afterthought , when I left the store to go to lunch this evening I saw a wee lass walking along the shopping center that I was by . It was like fate . I gazed upon her and said aloud " I gotcha' Lord . Hear 'ya loud and clear . " Now , to begin plans for my midget revolution . If you would like to sign on as a co-world dominator , or have some sort of midget wrangling expertise , please send me your qualifications and I'll consider taking you to my secret fortress for an interview . I wish you all well , and leave you with these words of wisdom . If you're ever confronted by a ferocious midget , you have three options...1) Surrendor . Fall to the ground and play dead . It will probably leave you alone after it kicks you a few times . 2) If you have any tasty baked goods , offer them to the ravenous dwarf as midgets are quite fond of sweets . 3) Die horribly . Choose wisely .
The reason I bring this up is that another co-worker and myself got onto the subject of midgets for some reason today . I told him my plans to have a secret fortress in the jungle somewhere and create an army of cybernetic SUPER MIDGETS!!!! It was originally going to be cyborg monkeys , but they're much harder to control and if you ever get hit by feces flung by a cyborg monkey you'll know the true meaning of the word pain ( And also the meaning of the word "Poojectile" . I actually made that word up , but it's a fitting word considering the topic we're on ) . But I digress . Imagine if you will an army of midgets with rocket packs and chainsaws for hands . With a simple "Fly my pretties!!!!" they would deploy and swarm over anyone who opposed me . Now one on one a midget , even one with a jet pack and chainsaw hands , would find it difficult to take down a full grown enemy . It's just a matter of reach . That is why I've been working on a special form of midget oriented martial arts . It is a form of Ninjutsu aimed at wee folk . Once they have completed their training they will be fully functioning Midget Ninjas , or Minjas as I like to call them . The fighting style is quite simple , but extremely effective . One midget leads the charge with wide eyes and flailing arms wailing like a miniature banshee . The opponent becomes so distracted by the bizarre scene that he fails to notice the five or six other Minjas surrounding him . They then all converge on the hapless foe and engulf him in a wave of tiny fists and feet until he is either unconscious or dead . Midgets are pack hunters by nature and will continue to assault a target until it stops moving . Once I have an army of these tiny terrors at my command , NOBODY could stand against me .
So I wondered "Where could I find that many midgets ?" My friend then proceeded to tell me a story so fantastical that it boggled my very mind . He's like "Have you ever heard of the Midget Village ? " To which I replied in an awe struck voice "NO ." My first question was obvious , and would probably be the first thing any of you would ask too . "Is the Midget Village like the Smurf Village . You know , with little houses made out of mushrooms ? " The answer was "NO" . It's apparently a community of midgets living in tiny litle midget houses somewhere near the area where our store is located . I thought it sounded like some magical "Brigadoon" type village that materializes once every so many years and then vanishes again so that nobody could ever find it and plunder its midget secrets . Supposedly this person's friend has been to the wondrous land of the tiny people though . I'll believe it when I see it though . And , by God , I WILL see it if it exists . I'll not rest until I do . IF it does exist , and I can convince the midgets that I only wish to help advance their wise and ancient society , I will have gained a powerful , albeit diminuitive , ally . THEN...it's on .
As an afterthought , when I left the store to go to lunch this evening I saw a wee lass walking along the shopping center that I was by . It was like fate . I gazed upon her and said aloud " I gotcha' Lord . Hear 'ya loud and clear . " Now , to begin plans for my midget revolution . If you would like to sign on as a co-world dominator , or have some sort of midget wrangling expertise , please send me your qualifications and I'll consider taking you to my secret fortress for an interview . I wish you all well , and leave you with these words of wisdom . If you're ever confronted by a ferocious midget , you have three options...1) Surrendor . Fall to the ground and play dead . It will probably leave you alone after it kicks you a few times . 2) If you have any tasty baked goods , offer them to the ravenous dwarf as midgets are quite fond of sweets . 3) Die horribly . Choose wisely .
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Hilarious. But still evil.
-me