THIS IS MY OFFICIAL "GRINCH" POST...
I really do hate the holiday season for oh so many reasons . Let me count the ways...
1 ) I despise snow . I hate driving when there's snow on the roads because even if I am careful , there is a whole city full of dumb asses out there who think that their S.U.V.'s are snow mobiles . I only wish that all of the morons who tailgate me or fly past me on bad roads would crash through the guardrails and into a ravine . Some people would consider this malicious . I call it "Thinning The Herd" . It's illegal to have stupid people hunting season , so why not let nature weed out the idiots ?
2 ) The whole concept that you HAVE to go out and buy things for the people that you care about just because it's Christmas or Hannukah or Kwaanza or whatever the hell it is that you choose to believe in really fucking irks me . The fact that people are stampeding other people in Wal-Marts so that they can get a good deal on a toaster oven or some shit really makes me ashamed to be a human being . Christmas is about ONE thing people , and that one thing is...being kind to fat elderly men who come into your home uninvited and demand milk and cookies from you . That's it .
3 ) People that put up a whole friggin' army of reindeer , elves , santas , and various other electrical devices in their yards and on their houses...BEFORE Thanksgiving . What the hell is wrong with you people anyway ? Even if it is during the holiday season , why would you make your home look like Pee Wee's Playhouse and use more electricity than a third world nation to power it ? If NASA can see your goddamn house from orbit , you've gone a bit overboard with your Christmas decorations .
4 ) The fact that Rudolph was never allowed to play reindeer games with the other reindeer . Fucking pricks!!!!! While we're on the subject , what the hell ARE reindeer games anyway ? Eat the grass ? Poop in the woods ? Gore the elf ? Come to think of it , Rudy might have gotten the better end of that deal in that particular conflict . I retract my previous statement .
5 ) Egg Nog . Does anybody REALLY know what this stuff is ? I'm pretty sure that anything with the word NOG in it shouldn't be ingested by human beings . What ? NOG just sounds...I don't know...wrong .
6 ) The cold and flu season . I remember seeing a Saturday Night Live skit where Chris Farley , in an attempt to avoid getting sick , bought a product called Hibernol . He drank this huge bucket of blue/green liquid and then went into a hibernation-like coma for the ENTIRE cold and flu season . If they actually had this product on the market , I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat . Winter sucks . Winter , while enduring body aches , runny noses , hacking up disgusting things from your lungs , vomiting , and potentially being killed by a strange Asian form of the flu , sucks INFINITELY more .
7 ) Since ripitupandrun mentioned it...Christmas carols suck too . Except "Christmas With The Devil " by Spinal Tap . That song effing ROCKS HARD. Any song that has midgets dressed as elves dancing around a burning Christmas tree in front of a giant paper mache devil head in the video is cool in my book , and should be cool in your book too .
And THAT is my rant on Winter and the holidays .
SEASONS GREETINGS EVERYBODY . HO , HO , HO .
I really do hate the holiday season for oh so many reasons . Let me count the ways...
1 ) I despise snow . I hate driving when there's snow on the roads because even if I am careful , there is a whole city full of dumb asses out there who think that their S.U.V.'s are snow mobiles . I only wish that all of the morons who tailgate me or fly past me on bad roads would crash through the guardrails and into a ravine . Some people would consider this malicious . I call it "Thinning The Herd" . It's illegal to have stupid people hunting season , so why not let nature weed out the idiots ?
2 ) The whole concept that you HAVE to go out and buy things for the people that you care about just because it's Christmas or Hannukah or Kwaanza or whatever the hell it is that you choose to believe in really fucking irks me . The fact that people are stampeding other people in Wal-Marts so that they can get a good deal on a toaster oven or some shit really makes me ashamed to be a human being . Christmas is about ONE thing people , and that one thing is...being kind to fat elderly men who come into your home uninvited and demand milk and cookies from you . That's it .
3 ) People that put up a whole friggin' army of reindeer , elves , santas , and various other electrical devices in their yards and on their houses...BEFORE Thanksgiving . What the hell is wrong with you people anyway ? Even if it is during the holiday season , why would you make your home look like Pee Wee's Playhouse and use more electricity than a third world nation to power it ? If NASA can see your goddamn house from orbit , you've gone a bit overboard with your Christmas decorations .
4 ) The fact that Rudolph was never allowed to play reindeer games with the other reindeer . Fucking pricks!!!!! While we're on the subject , what the hell ARE reindeer games anyway ? Eat the grass ? Poop in the woods ? Gore the elf ? Come to think of it , Rudy might have gotten the better end of that deal in that particular conflict . I retract my previous statement .
5 ) Egg Nog . Does anybody REALLY know what this stuff is ? I'm pretty sure that anything with the word NOG in it shouldn't be ingested by human beings . What ? NOG just sounds...I don't know...wrong .
6 ) The cold and flu season . I remember seeing a Saturday Night Live skit where Chris Farley , in an attempt to avoid getting sick , bought a product called Hibernol . He drank this huge bucket of blue/green liquid and then went into a hibernation-like coma for the ENTIRE cold and flu season . If they actually had this product on the market , I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat . Winter sucks . Winter , while enduring body aches , runny noses , hacking up disgusting things from your lungs , vomiting , and potentially being killed by a strange Asian form of the flu , sucks INFINITELY more .
7 ) Since ripitupandrun mentioned it...Christmas carols suck too . Except "Christmas With The Devil " by Spinal Tap . That song effing ROCKS HARD. Any song that has midgets dressed as elves dancing around a burning Christmas tree in front of a giant paper mache devil head in the video is cool in my book , and should be cool in your book too .
And THAT is my rant on Winter and the holidays .
SEASONS GREETINGS EVERYBODY . HO , HO , HO .
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
kaela:
Holy Christ, I would if I could!!! You're gettin it pretty bad down there too? Man. It was SO FECKING COLD here yesterday. I think I got frostbite right under my eye. And I was outside for like 5 minutes all day. Urgh. Fucking weird weather lately, hey? I think it has something to do with the hurricanes.
kaela:
I am El Nino. That's Spanish for.... the Nino.