This is a post I wrote about a year ago in my old blog. I've been so busy with other projects that I haven't had time to write in it recently. Now I'm free so I'm hoping to write in it again. Check it out if you want.
www.whoneedsabra.blogspot.com
I am twenty five years old, a quarter of a century, five years from being classified as a cougar.
When I was younger I always wanted to be older. I remember being in second grade and seeing all of the seventh graders, looking so grown up and cool. When I was thirteen, I thought seventeen would be the perfect age. I'd be able to drive, I'd have boobs (little did I know, mine wouldn't appear until I was nineteen), I would be able to do what I wanted to, I'd be free and cool.
I'm at the point now where I don't desire to be any older. I also don't desire to be any younger. I am perfectly content with the age that I am. I suppose that as I continue to age, I'll start wishing to be young again but I'll deal with that hurdle later. I am where I am and I am who I am and I'm okay with that.
I had my dreams, some realistic, most not. Dreaming is important. I was lucky; growing up my parents encouraged me to dream. They always heard me out, even when I was rambling, even when I changed my mind on a daily basis, and even when my dreams weren't possible. They loved me and they did everything in their power to help me achieve my dreams. From this, I learned to hope, to desire tomorrow and all it had to offer and to not be afraid to try.
I'm at the age where a lot of my friend's are starting to get married, to settle down, and even start families. Ten years ago, I predicted that I would be madly in love with someone, living in a cabin in the woods chock full of books, my float plane parked on the lake out front and my loyal dog at my side. Today, I look around my one bedroom apartment in the city chock full of books with my Honda civic parked on the street out front, not in love with anyone, with my two temperamental cats at my side and even though this isn't my dream, I'm okay with it. I'm not famous, I've never been published, I've never sold a piece of art, I can't fly a plane, I've never saved a life, I've never won a Nobel prize, I've never been to University but I'm starting to understand and finally accept who I am.
Sure, there's a lot that I haven't done but there's also a lot that I have done. I've learned to drive standard so well that if you had your eyes closed you wouldn't be able to feel me shifting gears, I've lived in another country; one where I didn't know anyone nor speak the language, I've driven a six wheel drive bus on a glacier, I've gotten over my fear of public speaking, I've shared my writing with anyone who came across it on the Internet, I've lived on my own, I've fallen in love, I've become independent, I've gone to college, I've been chastised, I've been humbled, I've grown and I've learned.
It's taken a lot to get to the point of where I am today. I was a shy child, so shy that if a teacher called on me in class, I would turn bright red, stammer and usually start crying. This behavior continued on right up until high school. Now imagine how you would react when you see a 16 year old crying because the teacher asked her a question. My school years were some of the hardest years of my entire life. On top of the shyness, I was also socially awkward. I was naive and didn't learn the new slang words until they were at least five years out of date.
One of my most vivid memories is when I was in eighth grade. I had two friends who were popular, pretty, cool, had boobs and had already gotten their periods. One day they asked me if I knew what a blow job was. "Of course I do. What? You don't know what that means?" I countered. "Well, you do know what it means when a guy cums right?" they asked. I racked my brains but couldn't even begin to imagine what they were talking about. I failed their little test and was promptly shunned. It broke my heart. Looking back, it's good that it happened. These girls were having sex, drinking, doing acid and shoplifting. I was so insecure, I would have partaken in anything just to be accepted and consequentially wouldn't be where I am right now.
As hard as I tried I couldn't make friends for the life of me. So I escaped into the world of literature. Books were amazing. I could become part of the story and the characters never made fun of me. As long as I can remember books have been the most important part of my life. Even though I had my books, I never stopped trying to fit in. I begged my mum to buy me the cool clothes. I compromised my values on more than one occasion on the off-chance that I might be accepted. It never worked. I was 5'8, weighed 95lbs, had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy. I did make some friends though; ones that saw through the awkwardness and insecurity and loved me for who I was (even though I didn't even love myself at the time). To this day, I'm still friends with them. They know me inside and out and I'm eternally grateful to them for making my high school years bearable. Beth and Erin, you are the best friends a girl could have and I love and appreciate everything you've done for me.
As for love, I was hurt quite badly when I was seventeen. I chose to not allow myself to be close to any man again until I was fully healed. At twenty one I felt ready to open my heart again. Since then, I've become a serial dater. Not knowing what I really wanted from a man, I tried to remain open-minded. I've lowered my standards and given guys a chance just because, you never know. I won't say it was a big mistake because I did learn a lot about men and myself. Well after having my heart broken countless times I finally came to the conclusion that it's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't fit my standards. These are the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Fortyfive Rpm. It's a cover of Perfect by Fairground attraction. This is my new motto and I hereby refuse to lower my standards for any man.
Well I don't want half half hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares.
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself won't do that again.
It's gotta be, it's gotta be perfect.
It's gotta be, it's gotta be worth it.
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's gotta be, it's gotta be perfect
Young hearts are foolish
They make such mistakes
They're much too eager to give their love away
Well, I have been foolish too many times
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.
I'm still socially awkward, have trouble keeping up with the current lingo, and much prefer to bury my nose in a book than go out with people. I have trouble thinking on my feet. It's not that I'm not smart because I am. It's just I need time to think before I can come up with an appropriate answer. If I try to respond to a question or take part in a debate about a subject I haven't researched and thought about thoroughly, I usually end up stuttering, forgetting words (or mixing up words), or saying something so incredibly inappropriate that the other party instantly regrets engaging me in conversation. To those who don't know me and understand me, I come across as an ignorant imbecile. I used to be envious of my younger brothers who are both popular and are able to communicate without embarrassing themselves horrendously. Now I'm not.
I've been through a lot and I've made a ton of mistakes but I wouldn't change any part of past. Every decision, every mistake, every triumph makes us who we are. As much as I regret the decisions I've made, as much as I've been hurt, as much as life has simply sucked; it's part of me. It's molded me into the fantabulous being I am today. Yes, I'll continue to make mistakes. I'll use poor judgement. I'll say stupid things. I'll offend people. It's okay though. It's all part of growing up and learning.
This is the difference between my old self and my new self. I'm still the same person but with one difference. I accept and am learning to love me exactly the way I am. I won't comprimise just to please someone. I'm the only one I have to worry about. Love me or hate me, I won't change who I am just for you. I'll always fall short when I compare myself with others. But if I compare myself to myself in the past, I'll always feel good. I'll have done something new. Maybe it's only reading a new book or driving down a different street but it's something. I'll take things one step at a time, one day at a time, set small goals for myself and eventually I'll make it.
There's still so much that I want to accomplish and achieve. I will continue to dream, both realistic and impossible dreams and I'll continue to yearn for tomorrow and all it has to bring. This has been a hard and trying time for me. To my friends and family, thank you for always being there for me. I don't think I could make it on my own. Life is a battle but I'm not ready to give up yet.
www.whoneedsabra.blogspot.com
I am twenty five years old, a quarter of a century, five years from being classified as a cougar.
When I was younger I always wanted to be older. I remember being in second grade and seeing all of the seventh graders, looking so grown up and cool. When I was thirteen, I thought seventeen would be the perfect age. I'd be able to drive, I'd have boobs (little did I know, mine wouldn't appear until I was nineteen), I would be able to do what I wanted to, I'd be free and cool.
I'm at the point now where I don't desire to be any older. I also don't desire to be any younger. I am perfectly content with the age that I am. I suppose that as I continue to age, I'll start wishing to be young again but I'll deal with that hurdle later. I am where I am and I am who I am and I'm okay with that.
I had my dreams, some realistic, most not. Dreaming is important. I was lucky; growing up my parents encouraged me to dream. They always heard me out, even when I was rambling, even when I changed my mind on a daily basis, and even when my dreams weren't possible. They loved me and they did everything in their power to help me achieve my dreams. From this, I learned to hope, to desire tomorrow and all it had to offer and to not be afraid to try.
I'm at the age where a lot of my friend's are starting to get married, to settle down, and even start families. Ten years ago, I predicted that I would be madly in love with someone, living in a cabin in the woods chock full of books, my float plane parked on the lake out front and my loyal dog at my side. Today, I look around my one bedroom apartment in the city chock full of books with my Honda civic parked on the street out front, not in love with anyone, with my two temperamental cats at my side and even though this isn't my dream, I'm okay with it. I'm not famous, I've never been published, I've never sold a piece of art, I can't fly a plane, I've never saved a life, I've never won a Nobel prize, I've never been to University but I'm starting to understand and finally accept who I am.
Sure, there's a lot that I haven't done but there's also a lot that I have done. I've learned to drive standard so well that if you had your eyes closed you wouldn't be able to feel me shifting gears, I've lived in another country; one where I didn't know anyone nor speak the language, I've driven a six wheel drive bus on a glacier, I've gotten over my fear of public speaking, I've shared my writing with anyone who came across it on the Internet, I've lived on my own, I've fallen in love, I've become independent, I've gone to college, I've been chastised, I've been humbled, I've grown and I've learned.
It's taken a lot to get to the point of where I am today. I was a shy child, so shy that if a teacher called on me in class, I would turn bright red, stammer and usually start crying. This behavior continued on right up until high school. Now imagine how you would react when you see a 16 year old crying because the teacher asked her a question. My school years were some of the hardest years of my entire life. On top of the shyness, I was also socially awkward. I was naive and didn't learn the new slang words until they were at least five years out of date.
One of my most vivid memories is when I was in eighth grade. I had two friends who were popular, pretty, cool, had boobs and had already gotten their periods. One day they asked me if I knew what a blow job was. "Of course I do. What? You don't know what that means?" I countered. "Well, you do know what it means when a guy cums right?" they asked. I racked my brains but couldn't even begin to imagine what they were talking about. I failed their little test and was promptly shunned. It broke my heart. Looking back, it's good that it happened. These girls were having sex, drinking, doing acid and shoplifting. I was so insecure, I would have partaken in anything just to be accepted and consequentially wouldn't be where I am right now.
As hard as I tried I couldn't make friends for the life of me. So I escaped into the world of literature. Books were amazing. I could become part of the story and the characters never made fun of me. As long as I can remember books have been the most important part of my life. Even though I had my books, I never stopped trying to fit in. I begged my mum to buy me the cool clothes. I compromised my values on more than one occasion on the off-chance that I might be accepted. It never worked. I was 5'8, weighed 95lbs, had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy. I did make some friends though; ones that saw through the awkwardness and insecurity and loved me for who I was (even though I didn't even love myself at the time). To this day, I'm still friends with them. They know me inside and out and I'm eternally grateful to them for making my high school years bearable. Beth and Erin, you are the best friends a girl could have and I love and appreciate everything you've done for me.
As for love, I was hurt quite badly when I was seventeen. I chose to not allow myself to be close to any man again until I was fully healed. At twenty one I felt ready to open my heart again. Since then, I've become a serial dater. Not knowing what I really wanted from a man, I tried to remain open-minded. I've lowered my standards and given guys a chance just because, you never know. I won't say it was a big mistake because I did learn a lot about men and myself. Well after having my heart broken countless times I finally came to the conclusion that it's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't fit my standards. These are the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Fortyfive Rpm. It's a cover of Perfect by Fairground attraction. This is my new motto and I hereby refuse to lower my standards for any man.
Well I don't want half half hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares.
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself won't do that again.
It's gotta be, it's gotta be perfect.
It's gotta be, it's gotta be worth it.
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's gotta be, it's gotta be perfect
Young hearts are foolish
They make such mistakes
They're much too eager to give their love away
Well, I have been foolish too many times
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.
I'm still socially awkward, have trouble keeping up with the current lingo, and much prefer to bury my nose in a book than go out with people. I have trouble thinking on my feet. It's not that I'm not smart because I am. It's just I need time to think before I can come up with an appropriate answer. If I try to respond to a question or take part in a debate about a subject I haven't researched and thought about thoroughly, I usually end up stuttering, forgetting words (or mixing up words), or saying something so incredibly inappropriate that the other party instantly regrets engaging me in conversation. To those who don't know me and understand me, I come across as an ignorant imbecile. I used to be envious of my younger brothers who are both popular and are able to communicate without embarrassing themselves horrendously. Now I'm not.
I've been through a lot and I've made a ton of mistakes but I wouldn't change any part of past. Every decision, every mistake, every triumph makes us who we are. As much as I regret the decisions I've made, as much as I've been hurt, as much as life has simply sucked; it's part of me. It's molded me into the fantabulous being I am today. Yes, I'll continue to make mistakes. I'll use poor judgement. I'll say stupid things. I'll offend people. It's okay though. It's all part of growing up and learning.
This is the difference between my old self and my new self. I'm still the same person but with one difference. I accept and am learning to love me exactly the way I am. I won't comprimise just to please someone. I'm the only one I have to worry about. Love me or hate me, I won't change who I am just for you. I'll always fall short when I compare myself with others. But if I compare myself to myself in the past, I'll always feel good. I'll have done something new. Maybe it's only reading a new book or driving down a different street but it's something. I'll take things one step at a time, one day at a time, set small goals for myself and eventually I'll make it.
There's still so much that I want to accomplish and achieve. I will continue to dream, both realistic and impossible dreams and I'll continue to yearn for tomorrow and all it has to bring. This has been a hard and trying time for me. To my friends and family, thank you for always being there for me. I don't think I could make it on my own. Life is a battle but I'm not ready to give up yet.